Rabbi Baruch Fruchter
Parenting teenagers: the challenges of the transition years
Dedicated to the elevation of the soul of Ahuva bat Daniel
Stay connected to your children!
Although, as we said earlier, the attitudes of peers are decisive during this period, the parents' role in a teenager's development must not be underestimated. It is important to stay connected to your child, to keep taking an interest in their life, successes and failures, to know what matters to them, and not to give up if at first every question receives the standard answer, “Beseder” (“Fine”). Even if your growing child does not show it, the feeling of being understood — not only among friends, but also at home — is actually very important to them. The trust we have nurtured in our child since birth will help us get through the growing-up years relatively painlessly; with help from Above, that trust will stay with the child throughout life.
What should we do?
Let us consider some practical steps towards making contact. First, since teenagers see themselves as adults, treat them accordingly! Speak to your child as to an adult, make a point of recognising every occasion on which they have behaved with real maturity, and show as much trust as possible. Occasionally you may say something like, “A childish reaction like that does not suit a serious young person like you.” But remarks such as “You're still a child! You understand nothing! You can't be trusted with anything! I'd forgotten how completely dependent you still are,” and the like, are strictly out of bounds. Such criticism will do no good, while the harm will be enormous.
Another thing parents must avoid is criticism.
Even if you cannot hold back, and even if the teenager unquestionably deserves it, for the sake of the outcome you will have to abandon complaints and reproaches of every kind. You can try talking as you would to an adult, admitting that their actions hurt you personally. But always be prepared for an answer along the lines of, “Dad, I'm already an adult, just like you. I don't interfere in your life, so please don't interfere in mine.” It makes sense to appeal only to the teenager's compassion, not to their conscience. As with pointing out their immaturity, any criticism will probably fail to achieve the desired result. Instead, it may cause resentment; resentment may turn into a closed defensive stance, and at that point it is easy to “lose” your child. So: yes to praise, no to criticism.
A few practical suggestions
How can we point out positive, adult qualities in our child if, honestly, we cannot find any? A universally useful approach is to ask for advice at every opportunity. Wise parents, for example, suddenly “lose” all sense of taste when their child reaches bar or bat mitzvah age. Dad can no longer choose a hat or suit by himself, and Mum simply cannot get ready for any celebration without asking her daughter which dress to wear.
Do not hesitate to ask for your teenager's opinion, even if their suggestions horrify you. First, we all have to be actors sometimes; second, you will be surprised to discover a wealth of wisdom and fresh ideas in the mind of someone who was a child only yesterday! Against which wall should we put the sofa? What should we make for dinner today? Which hotel should we choose for our holiday? Even if the sofa is in the way and you cannot stand pasta, these short-lived inconveniences will be repaid many times over by the building of a reliable bond that will probably last a lifetime.
A teenager can genuinely help with raising younger brothers and sisters.
It is no secret that in any large family there is a child who simply cannot sit still. At the table, their feet reach every chair and stop others from eating; when playing, they somehow manage to take toys from all the other children at once; and five minutes after they enter a room, complete chaos reigns. Only yesterday your thirteen-year-old daughter happily joined in the mischief, but today she is your reliable ally! Invite her to a family discussion, talk together about how to deal with the little whirlwind, and, at the end, put her in charge of helping them improve!
Of course, parental supervision has not been abolished. But such a truly adult role is bound to flatter a teenager's self-esteem, and life will be much easier for the parents when they know they have gained such a wonderful, responsible helper. Do not be afraid to make the responsibility bigger! The more, the better — for everyone.