Rabbi Baruch Fruchter
Raising teenagers: the particular challenges of the transition years
Dedicated to the elevation of the soul of Ahuva bat Daniel
Hurt is not as devastating as betrayal
Of course, getting a teenager to talk is often difficult. They may feel hurt by our lack of interest or by a reaction that seems inappropriate to them. Yet if your child still trusts you, you should be especially careful during this period to avoid betraying that trust in any way. We know that teenagers experience everything particularly intensely, but it is simply impossible to measure how disastrous betrayal can feel — especially betrayal by parents they trusted. At this difficult age, a single careless word from a parent can often put an end to every form of trust for the rest of their life.
Here is an example: a daughter complains to her mother that she cannot pass a test because the teacher is against her. What will a wise mother do? First, she will not criticize her daughter or accuse her of being biased. Then she should try to understand the reason for the low grade. Perhaps her daughter spent too little time studying the subject. It is not difficult to call a few classmates and ask how many times they read the material before the test. If it turns out that they studied for, say, three hours, while her daughter studied for only one, it becomes objectively clear that she needs to prepare accordingly for the next test. Mother and daughter can sit down over the material together, and the mother can speak with the teacher and ask for the possibility of a retest. No criticism, and as much confidentiality and support as possible.
What potential mistakes lie hidden here?
First, as we have mentioned more than once, any criticism or remark such as “I knew it” can end a conversation before it has even begun. Second, when speaking with a classmate or her mother, there is absolutely no need to mention that “now I see it: it is all because my little Sarah studied so little — what a lazy girl she is.” It is especially important not to discuss this with anyone if the daughter specifically said she was confiding in her mother in the strictest secrecy. If this “secret” information reaches the teacher through the classmate's mother and then gets back to the girl herself through other people, you can be sure her mother will never hear the next secret.
Of course, there are situations in which help from the teacher or the yeshiva mentors is indispensable. But even when there is no way to avoid discussing a child's secrets with third parties, weigh carefully, more than once, whether that person can be relied upon. It also helps to emphasize that you are breaching confidentiality solely in the teenager's interests, that they must under no circumstances find out about it, and that the information certainly must not be made public.
Be an example to your children — in deeds as well as words
You can spend long hours talking about what is right and what is wrong. Many Torah sages write — and experience bears this out — that children absorb what they see far better than what they are told. If a teenager sees harmonious family relationships every day, they too will strive for harmony. If a child sees clear boundaries of privacy between their parents, they will respect those boundaries themselves. If you give a growing child some personal space and do not intrude upon it, they will most likely not try to expand that space or hide important details.
One of the most important rules of parenting is to be a living example and not do anything yourself that you would not want to see in your child. When speaking of the importance of generosity, share with others! When explaining the importance of Torah study, study yourself! When speaking about modesty, take a look at yourself! It is important that words and deeds do not contradict one another, and to be upright not only with the Almighty, but also with your own children.
Trusting a teenager is the parents' responsibility
At some stage in a child's growing up, parents face a difficult choice: to trust or not to trust? Has my child grown up enough for us to allow what they are asking for? This is a very difficult question, with no single definitive answer. Yet your future relationship will depend to a great extent on the answer you give your child.
Your daughter plans to come home from school later because she is going to study at a friend's house — should you let her go? Your son is going to the swimming pool with friends — is he grown up enough, and will they get up to anything foolish together? And what if the question is not a few hours away from home, but a two-day hike without teachers or counselors?
In theory, for several years you have made a point of saying at every convenient opportunity how grown up and independent your son or daughter is. But what about in practice?
As we have said, the choice is yours, but it is better to expand the boundaries of responsibility gradually while never letting everything take its own course. If your child visits someone's home, make the effort to find out all about that family and what the children actually do there. If your child becomes interested in an extracurricular activity, find out which children of your acquaintances attend it and how satisfied they are. As for the example of an extended trip, every group has an older friend who is more responsible and has proved trustworthy — ask that person to keep an eye on your child!
Let us repeat once more: the trust you extend to a teenager will be repaid many times over by their trust in you when it comes to things that truly matter to you.