Rabbi Baruch Fruchter
Raising teenagers: the characteristics of adolescence
Dedicated to the elevation of the soul of Ahuvah bat Daniel.
The battle over clothes is a battle over individuality
The Vilna Gaon offers an interesting interpretation of “clothing.” In his view, wherever this word appears in the holy books, it refers not to articles of leather, silk and wool, but to spiritual clothing: middot, a person's character traits. This helps explain why Judaism places such importance on modest, neat clothing that reflects a person's standing and inner life.
Conversely, if we want to take away someone's individuality and make them obedient, we take away their clothes and give them something uniform. The army is a clear example: all soldiers receive uniforms, while only commanders have insignia calling for obedience from ordinary soldiers. In prison, inmates also dress alike and personal possessions are prohibited. This suppresses individuality to secure complete, unquestioning obedience to prison rules. An everyday example is hospital clothing. If an important director who manages hundreds or thousands of people enters hospital and removes an expensive suit, that person immediately becomes an obedient patient following a trainee nurse's instructions.
Now it becomes a little clearer why most teenagers defend their right to individuality so fiercely through their clothing.
If you or her teacher dislike the style your fourteen-year-old daughter has chosen, words such as “immodest,” “unattractive” or “untidy” probably will not be heard. Instead of agreement with your undeniably logical arguments, you will hear, “You're taking away my right to be an individual!”
Is this really about clothes?
No. A particular style of clothing is really just an “entry ticket” to a group. The saying that people judge you by your appearance applies: before others can see someone's inner qualities, their appearance can say a great deal—or conceal certain traits, at least at first. So if a teenager's appearance truly matters to us, we must recognize its direct connection with their peer group. Otherwise the battle will be lost.
To reassure parents, negative examples are not the only attractive ones. There have been many cases in which the group of children most successful in learning and behavior became the most popular. Here is one.
As we know, yeshiva students are assigned several to each room. A young man from an excellent family entered a yeshiva with many good qualities, including clear leadership ability. He approached the management and asked for a separate apartment for fifteen people, where he and his friends wanted to establish their own rules. Everyone would undertake to arrive for prayer precisely on time, follow the study schedule, learn a set number of Talmud pages each week, have no access to mobile phones or computers, dress neatly at all times, and observe several similar rules. These rules clearly supported learning and spiritual growth. The administration agreed to the experiment. What happened? Within a month, several more students joined this “program for tzaddikim.” Before long, over a hundred yeshiva students joined the group and voluntarily accepted all the rules. This demonstrates that for a teenager, the first question is not what to do, but with whom. It shows the power of the peer group and public opinion.