Basya Tsybukmakher
Raising teenagers: the particular challenges of the transition years
Dedicated to the elevation of the soul of Ahuva bat Daniel
Preserve their dignity — at any cost
One common parenting mistake is to think that other people's presence can help you influence your own children. Quite the opposite! The most terrible thing a teenager can experience — and perhaps anyone, regardless of age — is being reproached by their parents in front of peers or other people who matter to them. For example, a grown daughter is talking to a friend on the phone while her mother shouts in the background that she is lazy and does nothing to help around the house. Will this make her a better helper? On the contrary, next time she will prefer either not to come home at all or to find a more favorable place to talk with her friend, far from parental criticism.
Or take a young man who, while home for a vacation or Shabbat, studies less than his parents would like or arrives late for prayer. If this information reaches his yeshiva mentors, and it is clear that his parents were the source of the complaints, there will no longer be any question of trust. Such parents should not be surprised if their son stops coming to visit and prefers to spend more time either at the yeshiva or at his friends' parents' homes.
Do not forget that this is no longer a child, but an almost fully formed person who has considerable freedom to make decisions.
If you cannot help, show understanding
Whatever the case, even the most withdrawn and independent teenager occasionally has to turn to their parents for help, whether financial assistance or emotional support. At such times it is important to show as much understanding and sympathy as possible, rather than push the child away with lectures and categorical refusals. First, you will need to make every effort to fulfill the request, however outlandish it may seem. Second, if there is simply no way to help, instead of “no,” say: “You are right, we support you completely, but unfortunately the Almighty does not always give us everything we ask Him for.” A good option is to suggest that the teenager find a way themselves for their request to be fulfilled.
Here is an example: all the other boys in the dormitory have a particular kind of pajamas — say, blue-striped ones with five buttons. But your son, as luck would have it, has a different kind. Is it silly to pay attention to such trifles? Your son does not think so. On the contrary, he feels that it is precisely because of these pajamas that people look at him strangely and do not want to be his friends. It must be said that logic is on the parents' side: the pajamas are of excellent quality, you bought them recently especially for your son, he chose them himself, and they were far from cheap. The new pajamas would cost even more, and the family has no spare money at the moment for such unnecessary new purchases.
Here we come to the three possible options suggested above:
First, take the path of least resistance: find the necessary amount and buy the coveted pajamas “like everyone else's,” with an agreement that this will be the last unexpected clothing request. Second, talk to your son about the family's financial situation. Recall occasions when you yourselves badly wanted something but could not afford it, and promise that as soon as funds become available, if the pajamas are still an issue, you will certainly buy them. Finally, suggest that the teenager think for himself and find a solution: which part of the budget could be reduced to pay for those pajamas?
Of course, the pajamas example matters only as an illustration. In real life there are far more initial situations and ways to resolve them. The main thing is to convey the parents' overall approach: we are together; we feel what you feel; what matters to you matters to us; let us cooperate and look for a way forward together. In this way, even if you cannot actually help your child, you will not lose them. On the contrary, they will be reminded once again how fortunate they are to have sensitive and understanding parents.