Rabbi Baruch Fruchter
Raising teenagers: the characteristics of adolescence
Dedicated to the elevation of the soul of Ahuvah bat Daniel.
“Lost in translation”
Even spouses who have lived together for years sometimes understand a phrase differently: the husband says one thing and the wife hears something quite different. How much more so a teenager, who sees the whole world through the lens of personal emotions! Do not be surprised if you must repeat each phrase several times. Be glad if its meaning reaches your child without distortion, even on the third attempt. In most cases, because the younger generation sees the world in black and white, whatever you say will be taken either as proof that they are right or as harsh criticism.
You may have noticed that in secondary school there are almost no “ordinary” teachers: in a teenager's eyes, a teacher is usually either amazing or completely hopeless. In practice, this may mean that a teacher is strict about every absence and missed exam, or has found a special approach and continually highlights the pupil's strengths. Either way, do not accept every piece of information from a teenager without question. Check personally whether things really are as described. Communication works both ways; it is worth learning this age group's particular emotional language for a while.
From time to time, you dislike your child's behavior and lack the patience to overlook certain actions or failures to act, so you decide to speak directly. Stop! Remember that from your brilliantly reasoned speech, with all its logical evidence, the child will hear only “You're bad” or “You're wrong,” and nothing will improve. Instead, try talking as you would with an adult, about a general subject, perhaps quoting Torah and the sages' commentaries.
For example, if your child is always late, oversleeps or does not keep track of time, talk about time in general. What is time? Why do we need to live within certain time limits? What role does time have in Judaism? Such a conversation can help in several ways: it strengthens your connection, and perhaps your child can learn useful lessons and draw the right conclusions.
The same applies to a group of friends you consider unsuitable. Think about exactly what you dislike about it.
Why do you not want your child to belong to it? Perhaps its members share a particular behavior. One example is leitzanut, scoffing or contempt for true values. On the one hand, a lighthearted approach is attractive: it is pleasant to be with someone who is always smiling and ready to entertain friends with a good joke. But when all life becomes a joke and nothing retains weight or value, we have a problem. Our sages noted the particular danger of scoffing. The Vilna Gaon, for example, considered leitzanut completely incompatible with Torah. Scoffing brings tumah, impurity, into the world, turning holy things into ordinary ones and serious things into trivial ones, leaving no fear of Heaven. Naturally, the last thing you want is your child to “sit in the company of scoffers,” as King David warns in Tehillim, Psalms 1:1.
One way to improve the situation is to ask for advice. Ask which group your child thinks would be most dangerous, for example for a friend's son. Alongside the usual examples—bullies, insolent children and so on—mention scoffers. Discuss each group's dangers in detail. We can prepare enough arguments and quotations beforehand to show the danger of the particular group that concerns us. Then, with G-d's help, we may find the right words to explain that it is better to avoid such company.
A final, equally effective means
What if groups have already formed, your child has joined an unsuitable one, and the group you would prefer does not readily accept them?
One tried method, paradoxical as it may initially sound, is paying members of the group. The most popular teenagers in “good” groups are generally also among the brightest, so you can expect understanding and sound judgment. Explain what an important mitzvah they can perform by helping your child improve and what valuable allies they are to you. Do not hesitate to offer a material reward, naturally on condition of complete confidentiality. Experience shows that if several popular children “suddenly” become friends with a less popular teenager, even for a few weeks or months, that teenager will then try to follow them and live up to their new image.
As we said at the start of this series, one distinctive feature of our society is its straightforward view of good and bad and its absence of double standards.
For us, good children truly are the best: they have positive character traits, do good and seek to help others. This is how we want our children to be, and subconsciously they too seek good company. If, for some reason, they do not succeed immediately, do not rush to scold or blame them. Think about what can be done and how to help them improve.
Do not forget the power of prayer: the Almighty participates not only in a child's creation, but is our partner in raising that child!
May G-d grant us all much Jewish nachas!
Prepared by Mrs. Hadassah Schwalb.