Rabbi Reuven Kuklin
The weekly Torah portion Korach states (Bamidbar, Numbers 16:1): “And Korach, son of Yitzhar, son of Kehat, son of Levi, took [men to himself], together with Datan and Aviram, sons of Eliav, and On, son of Pelet, descendants of Reuven.”
The Talmud (Sanhedrin 109b) explains that the names of the people mentioned in this verse hint at their fate.
According to the Talmud, the name of On, son of Pelet, a descendant of Reuven, hints at the following: On eventually regretted having initially rebelled against Moshe. On is connected with aninut, mourning or sorrow. His father's name, Pelet, hints that miracles were performed for him: Pelet is connected with pele, a miracle. Rashi explains that his ability to repent of his intentions and avoid sin was considered a miracle. The words “descendants of Reuven,” written after On's name, hint that he reflected and realized that Korach and his entire company were behaving improperly, and withdrew from them. Reuven can be divided into ra'ah, “saw,” and ven, “understood.” The sages relate that On's wife persuaded him not to take part in the rebellion against Moshe, and thereby saved him.
The Talmud quotes Mishlei, Proverbs 14:1: “A wise woman builds her house, but a foolish one tears it down with her own hands.”
The Talmud says that On's wife was wise and righteous. She therefore “built” her home, her family, by influencing her husband to avoid sin. Korach's wife was foolish and sinful; she therefore destroyed her home and brought upon herself and her husband the terrible punishment of being swallowed by the earth.
These words of the Talmud show that a wife's influence on her husband is decisive.
Interestingly, Gittin 52a states that Rabbi Yosi always called his wife “my home.” In doing so, he sought to teach that the successful “building” of a Jewish home depends above all on the woman.
We can reach the same conclusion by studying Midrash Rabbah (Bereishit Rabbah 17:7), which tells of a righteous man married to a righteous woman. A long time passed, but they had no children. They said to one another, “G-d considers it important for people to have children. Each of us should look for another spouse. Perhaps this way we will merit offspring.” They divorced. The righteous man then married a sinful woman, and his former wife married a sinful man. Under the influence of his sinful wife, the righteous man also became sinful; under the influence of his righteous wife, the sinful man became righteous.
The Midrash concludes: “From this we learn that everything depends on the woman.”
Although the righteous man who became sinful under his wife's influence will certainly not be excused on those grounds before the Heavenly Court, we see that a wife's natural influence on her husband is more significant than a husband's influence on his wife.
We can see something similar in Pirkei de-Rabbi Eliezer, chapter 40. The Midrash explains why, at the giving of the Torah, the Creator addressed women first, as it says: “And Moshe went up to G-d, and G-d called to him from the mountain, saying: ‘Thus shall you say [gently] to the house of Yaakov and tell the children of Israel.’” According to the sages, “the house of Yaakov” refers to women. The Midrash states that this is because men's behavior is largely determined by their wives' influence.
From the above, it seems that a woman has the dominant influence in the home.
However, what is related in Avodah Zarah 30a appears at first to contradict this statement. The Talmud tells of the wife of a righteous Jew who used to put on his tefillin for him. When she later married a robber, she fastened his tools of robbery for him. At first glance, this story suggests that the man occupies the dominant position in the home and that the wife adapts herself to him.
But if we read the sages' words carefully, we see that there is no contradiction between these two accounts. The Midrash speaks of righteous and sinful women, while the Talmud tells of an “ordinary” woman, neither righteous nor sinful. If a woman has a direction in life and is determined to change her husband, she has a good chance of succeeding. A woman who has no direction of her own, however, will adapt to her husband and become like him.
Thus, a woman has considerable potential to influence her husband and change him. Why is her influence greater than his influence on her?
Perhaps this is connected with the constancy and steadiness characteristic of women. The prophet Yirmiyahu says (Jeremiah 31:21), “A woman shall surround a man.” Through her steadiness, a good wife helps her restless husband remain within certain boundaries and, if she wishes, helps him move confidently in the right direction. Like the walls of a house, a wife surrounds her husband. Rabbi Yosi testifies about himself (Shabbat 118b), “I always call my wife my home.”
The prophet Yeshayahu also speaks of this steadiness in women (Isaiah 32:9): “You women who are at ease, rise and hear my voice! You complacent daughters, listen to my words!”
The Maharal explains in “Derushei Ha-Torah” that the reason for their ease is that women are more complete beings.
The Maharal maintains that only a person who lacks something lives in constant anxiety and cannot be at ease. Women's ease, calm and trust in G-d testify to their completeness. For this reason, women are not obligated in time-bound positive commandments. A woman was created primarily not to perfect herself, but to help a man attain completeness. We learn this from what G-d said when creating woman (Bereishit, Genesis 2:18): “It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him an ezer kenegdo, a help corresponding to him.” The principal purpose of woman's creation is to bring her husband to completeness. Man and woman together are called Adam in the Torah, meaning a complete human being.
This helps us understand the blessing women recite: “Who made me according to His will.” Rabbi Samson Raphael Hirsch explains that this means the Creator made her in accordance with His ultimate will, that is, complete.