Rebbetzin Yemima Mizrahi
Our weekly Torah portion is called Chayei Sarah, “the life of Sarah,” but… our matriarch Sarah dies in this portion! Why call a portion about her death “the life of Sarah”?
Our sages gently hint that a mother “comes to life” for us only years later.
However much we respect and appreciate her, we truly understand what she meant to us only when she is no longer beside us.
Until this moment, we had never read in the Torah that Mother Sarah baked bread blessed from one Shabbat to the next. We did not know! We did not know how she observed the laws of family purity; we were not told! Nor were we told that she lit Shabbat candles. In the previous portion, Vayera, Avraham and Yitzchak return from the sacrifice and probably discuss what they will tell Mother Sarah. But they do not recognize Sarah's tent: the cloud no longer rests above it, and inside it is dark, because the candles are not burning. And where is the fragrance of fresh bread, the blessed bread of Mother Sarah?
Only after our mother has gone do we understand what we will miss, what she brought into our lives.
Let us try to look at the lives of our patriarchs and matriarchs and learn from them about peace in the home. Their candles burned from one Shabbat to the next, and Shabbat candles symbolize shalom bayit. But if we regard those generations as ordinary people, we have failed to grasp their greatness. As our sages say, “If the earlier generations are like human beings, then we are like donkeys” (Shabbat 112b). This applies all the more to the founders of our people.
With the proper understanding, let us nevertheless try to consider how our matriarchs passed all the difficult trials that fell to them. How did they avoid quarreling? How did they restrain their anger?
To begin, here are two secrets of their spiritual bond with their husbands. In Hebrew, connection is chibbur, from which comes the name Chevron, the city of our ancestors.
The first secret: respect
When Rivkah first sees Yitzchak, she falls from her camel. She admires him before learning anything about him: “Who is that man?” (Bereishit, Genesis 24:65). She chooses to lower her head and look up to him, to honor him.
The Zohar conveys an important teaching: “Woman, even if your husband is an am ha'aretz, a simple, unlearned man, know that if you look up to him and honor him, he will become great.” This is how the Zohar explains the verse in Mishlei, Proverbs: “Her husband is known at the gates.” To the extent that she opens the door of her heart to him, honors him and raises him up, he will become great.
Moreover, a husband whose wife honors him does not feel the need to establish tyranny at home.
Why? Because he does not need to diminish or humiliate her in order to feel great. If his wife does not understand this and does not give him enough respect, he will take it by force, and arguments will follow.
Sometimes a wife speaks to her husband as though he were a child, correcting him with remarks such as “Put on a sweater” or “Eat with a fork.” Respect prevents this “diminishing” of the spouse, because he is respected and great in our eyes. Yitzchak responded to Rivkah in the same way that she acted toward him: “And Rivkah lifted her eyes”—“and he lifted his eyes” (Bereishit 24:63–64).
This is the meaning of nissuin, marriage, “raising up”: to lift one's eyes and raise one's spouse in one's esteem.
To begin respecting your spouse, you need to find a quality in him, whether new or long forgotten, and decide to respect him for that quality. This requires some “brainstorming”: look closely at your husband, search carefully and identify a quality worthy of respect.
The second secret: thoughtful speech and an attentive heart
Yitzchak and Rivkah hardly speak to one another. At their first meeting, Rivkah covers her face with a scarf. Near the end of their lives, Rivkah tells Yitzchak, “I am weary of my life because of the daughters of Heth” (Bereishit 27:46).
How many arguments occur in homes where there is too much talking: “He said to me, I said to him, then his mother intervened and said…” These words go unheard because they are unpleasant; they hang in the air like dust. Behind that dust, people cannot see one another. We need to be quiet, hold back our words and let the dust settle. Then we will see that there is someone to talk to.
But what sort of family is it if everyone is silent all the time?
Closeness of hearts matters far more than conversation.
Indeed, Yitzchak and Rivkah say little, but he hears her! They have no children, and he turns the world upside down for her: “Yitzchak pleaded with the L-rd on behalf of his wife, because she was barren; the L-rd answered his plea, and Rivkah his wife conceived” (Bereishit 25:21). But he does not tell her, “Look how I pray for you!” His heart nevertheless feels compassion for her sorrow. He tells the Almighty something no other patriarch, neither Avraham nor Yaakov, said: “I want all the children I am destined to have to come from this righteous woman” (Or Ha-Chaim on Bereishit 21:3).
Prayer is truly important for peace at home. It is far more important than words!
Rivkah sees Yitzchak with “his hands outstretched in prayer” (Bereishit Rabbah, Chayei Sarah). She knows that with his sensitive heart, capable of such prayer, he will hear her. It is worth considering a prospective husband's attitude toward prayer, because someone who knows how to pray will be able to hear what his wife has not said.
Two familiar troubles of shalom bayit are: “Doesn't he understand on his own? Must I explain everything to him?” and “Why is he so quiet? He never talks to me.”
When hearts are far apart, we have to shout for the other person to hear. When hearts are close, we can speak more quietly and say less.
A woman, however, must also know how to listen with her heart. Hearing what has not been said is precisely what Eliezer, Avraham's servant, tests in Rivkah, Yitzchak's future bride: “If I ask her to give me a drink, and she adds what I have not said, ‘I will draw water for your camels too,’ then I will know she is compassionate.”
Here is another secret from the portion Bereishit, to which we will briefly return to help us build shalom bayit.
The third secret: desire and enthusiasm
One of Chavah's curses says, “Your desire shall be toward your husband.” Who should bring the desire to do things into the home, spread enthusiasm, inspire everyone and give a sense of a new beginning? The wife. You need to convey your sense of happiness and joy to your husband, children and those around you. This is your curse: to desire. The fruit of the Tree of Knowledge appeared desirable to the first woman, and now she must continually explain to everyone why things are desirable to her. You will have to keep awakening your husband and conveying your feelings to him.
If a wife tells the children, “Stop, that's enough, Mum is tired,” the husband comes and repeats sternly, “Stop, Mum is tired!” This is ve-davak be-ishto, “he shall cleave to his wife.”
It is very hard to inspire: to inspire a joyful Shabbat, Torah study, and hope when times are difficult.
The Piaseczner Rebbe says it is very important for a woman to attend lessons and study Torah, because this gives her husband and children additional encouragement. They will say, “She studies Torah even though she is not obligated to. That means she does it out of love.” By showing them her love, she will draw them close to Torah study. For this, a woman is given the power of admiration; everything depends on where she directs it.
May G-d grant us the wisdom to build a strong home founded on love, respect and prayer.
Russian translation and adaptation: Z. Skarzhinskaya.