Rebbetzin Leah Gans
First of all, we need… prayer. As in any undertaking, punishment also requires prayer, even before we consider the degree and extent of the punishment.
A child needs to know that he can rely on a dependable, firm source of strength. If he does not sense firmness and reliability in his parents, if his parents do not know how to set boundaries and use punishment when necessary, the child begins acting up and shouting—and cannot stop. They give him everything he wants, but he rages more and more. Yet if he is punished in this situation, he calms down and falls silent. It is as though the child was asking for help stopping himself because he cannot do it on his own. Now the child feels at peace: he has sensed that there is someone "above" him who can rein him in, stop him when he gets "carried away," and make him use his own strength properly. Sometimes parents even say that the child is "asking" to be punished.
I repeat: this does not necessarily have to be physical punishment; sometimes a sharp word or a look is enough. For very young children, a look or a light slap on the hand is enough. An older child who runs into the road or leans out over a windowsill may receive a sharp smack so that he remembers for a long time that this is dangerous. But it must always be accompanied by an explanation that he must not do this.
Rule One. Surround Your Child with Love
For a child to stop acting up and fall silent for more than just the next few seconds, and for this to influence his future behavior as well, he needs to feel surrounded by love all the time. If a child feels that his parents love him constantly—before, during, and after punishment—and is sure of this, it will help him accept the punishment more easily. Moreover, he knows that his parents would never want to hurt him for no reason, so the punishment must truly have been necessary.
It is written about Adam that when the first Motzaei Shabbat arrived and darkness fell, he was very frightened. He did not know what darkness was. There had been light all along, and suddenly it was gone—what was happening?! A child who grows up feeling loved and suddenly faces punishment becomes frightened: what if my parents have stopped loving me?! What if their love has turned into hatred? That is why we must keep explaining to the child, especially a young one (older children already sense this themselves), that we love him and are punishing him precisely because we love him.
The mother of a boy who was running around and shouting with his friend can say the following to him: "Look, your friend, with whom you were running around and acting up—I am not punishing him, because he is less my responsibility; he has his own mother, and I am not responsible for raising him. [That is why one must not punish someone else's child (Chazon Ish)—editor's note.] But you are my child, and because of this, because I love you, I care about you, and you matter to me, I have to punish you."
With this form of punishment, the child will learn the lesson better. He understands that punishment does not stand in the way of love. The punishment hurts; he may even cry, but the pain soon passes and life goes on. And he knows that he is still loved.
The Midrash says: "When a father punishes his son, the son loves his father more and respects him, as it says (Proverbs, 29:17): ‘Discipline your son, and he will give you comfort and bring delight to your soul.’" We strive to model our behavior on the Almighty's behavior toward us. When manna fell in the wilderness, it fell near the entrance to the tent for the righteous, while the lower a person's spiritual level, the farther from the tent his manna was found. This was a punishment that showed the person that not everything was in order and that he needed to improve his conduct—then he too would merit receiving manna near his tent.
We should notice that the Almighty continued to give manna even to those who were wicked. He did not deprive them of sustenance because of this.
The same applies to parents: a child's basic needs must be met regardless of his behavior. A child must receive love even when he misbehaves, because this is a basic need, no less than his need for food. Nonessential needs—the proximity of the manna to the home, convenience, which in our terms can be compared to gifts, affectionate gestures, and indulgence—can be made conditional. If the child has not behaved very well, we reduce or take away these extra pleasant things. The child feels that although he is surrounded by love, his parent shows irritation and looks at him angrily. The child wants to regain the usual warmth and comfort. He will take note that certain behavior causes his parent to distance himself from him—and, as a result, will not repeat his mistake.
Rule Two. Positive and Negative Associations
Let us imagine a situation: a girl is having difficulty with her homework and asks her older sister for help. Her sister is busy, perhaps reading, and does not want to stop. Their mother is also busy with housework and cannot help her daughter. Bedtime is approaching, and the girl begs her older sister, who still refuses to give in. Their mother is very disappointed and says: "Chana, you refused to help your sister when she needed it so much! How selfish! Only your own interests matter to you! Were you not taught that Jews are virtuous?! That chesed is one of the pillars on which the world stands, and that its fruits are enjoyed in this world, but their true light is in the World to Come? To teach you how to do good, you will stay home and will not go to the gathering with your friends that you were looking forward to so much. That way you will learn what chesed is."
In this situation, the mother made a mistake: the wrong associations.
When a child is shouted at for doing something wrong, and at the same time someone tries to explain how important it is to do chesed, he will develop negative associations with chesed. The next time a parent speaks to him about chesed, he will already associate it with the negative experience of punishment. In the girl's case, with shame and the bitter taste of having missed the gathering. The same can happen even with grown children in a situation they find unpleasant.
Therefore, if during punishment we begin telling a child how important it is to do good deeds, help others, respect parents, avoid lying (how valuable it is to tell the truth), or convey any other important lesson about proper behavior, we have chosen the wrong time. It is enough to say: you did such-and-such, and you are being punished.
When, then, is the right time for these explanatory conversations?
When a child has done the right thing, even if this happens much less often. For example, if a child has told the truth, and we know how difficult that is for him. This is the perfect time to acknowledge it, praise him, and explain the importance of telling the truth. Here we can also quote sayings of the Sages and midrashim to explore the subject, because the child is now ready to listen: he is being praised, and that makes him feel good. This will create positive emotions, and the child will associate a good quality (truthfulness or chesed) with a parent's smile and praise.
However, even when a child is being punished, he must know what we are punishing him for. “You are receiving this punishment because you lied.” Do not explain the significance of the wrongdoing; simply state briefly what the punishment is for. And punish only when we are absolutely certain that the wrongdoing took place (that the child told a lie).
Rule Three. Do Not Push Your Child Away
“How dare you lie?!” Two resounding slaps rang out in the room. “I don't want to see you. Get out! I won't kiss you goodnight or tell you a bedtime story. Go to your room immediately. I don't want to see you until morning. Don't come near me again.”
A mother has a right to feel angry and emotional. She can explain to her child what upset her. But since she is an adult, she must keep her emotions in check. A mother must never push her child away or sever her connection with him. A child can accept punishment, even severe punishment, if he deserves it, but afterward he must feel that his mother still loves him.
A child needs some time to feel hurt and experience his emotions, to feel both the punishment and the seriousness of his wrongdoing, but he must never be cut off.
The time given for reflection should not be too long—not until morning, as in the example. Do not deprive a young child of a kiss and a story.
A mother is human too, of course; she also feels hurt and angry. But she should try to calm down while the child is serving his punishment [and punishment should not be administered in anger in the first place—editor's note], and then return to a warm, steady relationship with him. After all, a mother is an adult; she can and must manage her anger. Before we educate our children, we must educate ourselves.
If the mother is still struggling, the father can take on the role of bedtime storyteller. This does not mean that he disagrees with the mother's punishment; parents must be united on this issue. But the father can show the child love while the mother “cools down.” The main thing is that the child should not feel rejected by his parents for long.
Rule Four. Do Not Let Punishments Pile Up
Some parents consider themselves restrained. They do not punish immediately, but let things pile up. This is wrong: if a child deserves punishment, it is better to punish him than to let irritation build up inside you.
Whatever the case, a “mass” of indignation builds up in such parents. At some point, the child commits another misdeed, and all the parent's anger pours out onto him. Of course, in such a case, the punishment will be out of proportion to the wrongdoing, because it is “for everything at once.” And the child does not understand why he is being punished so severely and disproportionately. He feels like a victim.
Do not let things build up, and do not pour out every last bit of what has accumulated.
Rule Five. Do Not Apologize for Punishment
“You're sad, Yossi. But this is entirely your own fault. Your behavior led to my having to punish you. What can I do? How am I to blame? I'm trying, but you're asking to be punished.”
Parents find it hard to see their children upset, and they resort to a veiled apology. This happens when a parent is unsure of what he has done or of his right to punish.
We can show how upset we are that we had to resort to punishment, but we should not apologize for it. The child will sense that the parent is unsure whether he was right. Perhaps Dad made a mistake? The result is that the child has received a punishment, but we have not achieved its purpose; he has received it in vain, because he doubts its legitimacy. We need to be firm while showing empathy. We are sorry that we had to punish, but we have no doubts about the fairness and necessity of the punishment.
There is a well-known account by one of Jerusalem's longtime residents, who said that as a child he did poorly in his studies and was a troublemaker. His father often punished him for his unwillingness to study, but nothing helped. Then one day, instead of punishing him, his father went into another room and cried, and those tears affected the boy more than all the punishments. He straightened himself out and began doing well in his studies. Such extreme cases make a child understand that he is not being punished out of revenge, that his parents are not competing with him in a test of strength, but are doing it for his own good. Children sense this.
Rule Six. Do Not Intimidate
“You tore your sister's new book? Just you wait. When Dad comes home tonight, you'll see what happens to you.”
You must not intimidate a child or frighten him by putting off punishment. Simply because the mother lacks the strength or authority to punish immediately, she subjects the child to the ordeal of long, agonizing hours waiting for punishment.
The mother may already have forgotten her promise and gone about her business, while the little girl is still trembling as she waits for her father to arrive: “What will he do to me?” A child is not ready for such an ordeal; her psyche has not yet matured.
If the mother cannot handle the punishment herself, she should also postpone the conversation with the child until the father arrives, but she must not intimidate the child.
Rule Seven. Do Not Humiliate
“Come here, Moishy. You knocked your brother down, and now you will be punished in front of all the guests. You should be ashamed of yourself. Perhaps this will teach you.”
Humiliating a child, just like humiliating an adult, is absolutely forbidden, even if he is young and does not understand everything. As it is written in the Torah (Leviticus, 19:17): “Rebuke your neighbor, and you will not bear sin on his account.” The conversation should be heartfelt, not humiliating. A child is defenseless against humiliation; he has no way to protect himself, especially when it is his parents who shame him. For a child to have self-respect, his parents must nurture it. Moreover, when a child is humiliated, he certainly does not feel loved.
A child's punishment must be measured and thought through, and must not stem from our bad character traits.
If a parent feels overwhelmed by anger, as though he is about to burst with rage, he is exempt from the mitzvah of educating his child until he has brought his anger under control.
Punishment administered in such a state is not punishment, and it is not education. A child need only see his parent once boiling with anger, flailing his arms and legs, losing all semblance of humanity—and afterward he will view every punishment as rooted in the parent's bad character traits. We are human; we sometimes lose control. And in that state, we do not punish. The child goes unpunished, but that is better than reacting without thinking. Before we educate a child, we must educate ourselves, which is what we work on until we are 120 years old.
It is written in Proverbs (19:19): “The wrathful man will bear punishment, but it is better to spare (him), and you will not exceed (the punishment).” Rabbeinu Yonah explains: if you are very quick-tempered, you will be punished for it (for your anger, for the extra blow that serves no educational purpose); so that you do not add numerous blows to his punishment. The Vilna Gaon adds: strike him a little, but if you see that your anger is great and you will not be able to stop, forgive him entirely (and do not strike him). In this state, since you cannot control yourself, forgive him. (They both interpret “bear punishment” as “forgive,” that is, “bear” it rather than “impose” it on the child.) The Rambam makes the same point—that the person administering punishment must not be cruel.
During the days between 17 Tammuz and 9 Av, a child must not be punished physically or struck, because the likelihood of causing harm is greater during these days.
Our Sages say that a child is like a king. How does this manifest itself? He casts off the yoke.
It is in his nature not to place any limits on himself. That is why he is given parents, who will keep him from wrongdoing and thereby instill in him fear of Heaven. The parental authority to which a child must submit will later make it easier for him to accept the yoke of Heaven and understand what yirat shamayim is.
In the book “The Rambam's 8 Chapters,” it is written: “Honor your father and your mother, so that your days may be prolonged”—in order to remove the trait of brazenness and cultivate a sense of shame. A sense of shame will allow a child to accept someone else's will, which limits his actions, and submit to the requirements of the Torah's commandments. Our upbringing should lead the child, when he comes of age, to choose the right path himself—the path of Torah.
Prepared by Zissi Skarzhinskaya