Rabbi Simcha Cohen
Another need that binds husband and wife together, and that a man feels very strongly, is for “gratitude” from her:
for her to thank him for everything he does for her, even small things. Let us try to understand what goes on in a husband’s heart and why he needs this even more than his wife does.
One of the most important qualities every person should develop is a sense of gratitude toward everyone who has benefited them in any way—the Creator, a human being, an animal, and even the inanimate world. Within marriage, a sense of gratitude helps overcome the natural difficulties that arise in the relationship between any two people, and all the more so between husband and wife.
The phrase “thank you” conveys two meanings.
The first is that the recipient noticed the thing they were given or the action performed for them. The second is the grateful person’s acknowledgment that the giver did more than they were obliged to do.
In the context of these two different meanings, we can observe another difference between husband and wife. A wife usually understands her husband’s gratitude in terms of the first meaning: my husband noticed what I did. For example, she gets this feeling when her question is answered: “Well, how’s the soup? A little too salty, isn’t it?” This is not merely an expectation of praise, but mainly: “Did you notice what I served you?” A husband, however, when his wife thanks him, focuses specifically on the second meaning: she is saying that I did more than I was obliged to do.
Let us try to clarify this point. One of a man’s needs that binds him to his wife is his expectation that she will thank him for every task he performs at home and greatly appreciate everything he does for her.
An expression of gratitude affects a husband’s feelings on several levels.
First of all, it satisfies his need to hear from her that she is happy and takes pleasure in what he does for her. Thus, when she thanks him, he feels that she is happy: after all, people say “thank you” when they receive good and pleasant things.
Second, by saying “thank you,” she feeds his masculine ego, because he understands it to mean: “You are the one who can meet my needs and protect me.” A husband who often hears such statements from his wife develops a deep emotional bond with her.
Moreover, because “thank you” is usually said to someone who has done something voluntarily, of their own free will, rather than to someone who was obliged to do it, a husband sees his wife’s gratitude as her confirmation that he really is a “volunteer”: he does more for her than he is obliged to do. He has a great need for precisely this feeling.
A wife also expects expressions of gratitude from her husband, but she understands them quite differently.
A woman does not need acknowledgment that she is doing more than she is obliged to do. She wants to hear her husband acknowledge that he sees and notices what she has done. This is precisely the feeling she tries to obtain when she grills her husband over lunch: “Well, how’s the food? Isn’t the soup too salty?” The purpose of these questions is to elicit a response showing that he sees and notices the effort she put into preparing lunch and recognizes her ability to cook delicious food.
Unlike her husband, a wife regards everything she does for the family as fulfilling an obligation and as something that goes without saying. Someone who has an obligation does not expect to be thanked for fulfilling it. They expect attention to be paid to the fact that they have fulfilled it and to how well they have done so.
Emotional paralysis: I can’t say “thank you”
Despite a husband’s need to hear words of gratitude from his wife in general, and for each of his actions in particular, she does not thank him all that often. At the same time, she spares no words in warmly thanking a friend or neighbor who has done her some small favor.
If we reflect a little on what we discussed above, we can understand why a wife often finds it difficult to express her gratitude to her husband, while thanking others without any difficulty. As we have already said, a woman regards everything she does for the family as a self-evident obligation, and she does not expect gratitude for fulfilling an obligation as such. In the same way, she expects her husband to regard his work for the home as an obligation, because that attitude would reflect his attachment to her and to the family. Thus, for her, thanking her husband is tantamount to acknowledging his efforts on the family front as a voluntary favor rather than a partner’s obligatory share in family life. After all, “thank you” is said to someone outside the family who does something for you without being obliged to—as a friend or neighbor. Inwardly, a wife disagrees with her husband’s perception of himself as a “volunteer,” and she has no intention of reinforcing it.