Rabbi Simcha Cohen
The following example illustrates another aspect of the difference between men's and women's approaches to partnership.
Rachel received a painting as a gift. She looks at the walls of her home and considers which wall to hang it on and where. She considers several options and eventually reaches a definite decision: the wall to the right of the entrance. She places the painting beside that wall and waits for her husband to return so that he can hang it where she thinks it will look best.
A husband comes home. His wife shows him a painting, and he finds it beautiful. She then glances at the wall in whose center she has decided to hang the painting and asks her husband, “Which wall do you think it would be best to hang it on?” Her husband, failing to notice that she is looking at the wall on the right, begins examining the walls of the room and finally decides that the opposite wall would suit the painting very well. But when he expresses his opinion, his wife immediately replies, “Not over there, on the left, but here—on the right.” He then becomes irritated: “If you’ve already decided, why ask?!”
What caused the misunderstanding in this case?
A woman has a partnership-oriented mindset, so she asks her husband not only about things she does not know, but also about things whose answers she already knows. She “consults” him about matters on which she has already formed an opinion, not only about matters she is still considering. After all, it is wrong for one partner to do something without consulting the other, even after reaching a decision. In addition, she needs confirmation of her position.
Her husband, however, does not have a “partnership-oriented mindset,” and he asks questions only about things he is still unsure of, rather than matters on which he has already formed a position (“Why would I ask if I already know?”).
A husband who is accustomed to asking questions only when he does not know the answer hears his wife’s question and assumes that she does not know the answer herself and has not reached a definite decision about the best place for the painting; after all, “If that isn’t the case, why is she asking me?” In this example, it does not even occur to him that his wife had already decided where to hang the painting before approaching him.
Then, after racking his brains to help her decide, he discovers to his surprise that she already has an answer, and it differs from his opinion. As a result, a husband often develops the feeling that “No matter what I say, my wife always says the opposite,” although, as we have said, the woman’s question was simply intended to share her thoughts with her husband.