Rebbetzin Esther Offengenden
So where should we begin?
We always begin with something small but of the greatest importance.
We have already discussed the importance of body language in communication. People put far more trust in how we look than in what we say. So when it comes to relationships between people, we need to begin with h o w we speak, h o w we look—with our facial expression.
In my counseling sessions, I have often encountered the following situation. I ask the wife:
- When did you last tell your husband that you love him, or say something else tender and pleasant?
She replies:
- Yesterday.
But her husband, sitting beside her, is surprised:
- I don't remember. That was many years ago!
It turns out that the wife said something roughly like this:
- I love you so much, and you don't even do the most basic things!
Sometimes it happens differently. Having read plenty of wise books, a husband has decided to “dispense” compliments. From a list. A tablespoon twice a day. And he sincerely cannot understand why his wife is not pleased.
Words are very important! But only when they come with a smile, warmth in the eyes, and tenderness in the voice.
Picture the scene. A husband returns home and approaches a door that separates two completely different worlds. The world of the individual, of human closeness and unity, - and the world of people, of formal relationships and careers. The husband standing outside (in front of the door) is full of impressions from the outside world. His wife, immersed in caring for the children and preparing for her husband's return, is focused on domestic concerns. And now the man must take a decisive step, crossing from one world into the other. Science fiction writers have nothing on this! In a fraction of a second, he must leave outside the door everything that does not fit with the home's inner world. Of course, it is better if the husband understands what is happening. He can pause in front of the D o o r, take a few breaths, and get himself ready. But if, when he enters, he is greeted with an indifferent “hi” from a woman pressing a phone to her ear with one shoulder, clutching a ladle and a pair of dirty little pants in one hand, and using the other to wave him into the apartment like a traffic officer, nothing will work.
At the same time, a simple warm smile and a joyful “We've been waiting for you!” can work miracles.
(Just don't immediately add exactly what you were waiting for him to do. For a few minutes, let him feel that you were waiting for him himself, rather than for someone to bathe the children and wash the dishes!)
Our gaze, our smile, our tone are a powerful force. Use it!
To be continued