Rebbetzin Esther Offengenden
Arguments
So what should we do? First, we need to distinguish the “bad” from the “good.”
Many people think that, ideally, a husband and wife, as one person, as a true couple, should always think and feel alike. After all, a person does not argue with themselves!!!
But a person does argue with themselves, and how! Otherwise, what are inner turmoil and conscience?
Moreover, one of the main reasons we were created as a pair is precisely so that one can keep the other from making a mistake.
As in the midrash: when Noah was letting passengers onto the ark, he refused to admit Falsehood.
— Why?! Falsehood protested.
— I only admit pairs, Noah replied.
— But how can the world live without falsehood? Falsehood protested.
— I only admit pairs, Noah repeated.
Falsehood walked sadly along the shore, preparing to die. Suddenly, she met Betrayal.
— Oh, Betrayal, marry me quickly, or we’ll drown!!!
They put up a chuppah and rushed to Noah. And Noah, having no choice, let them in.
The Sages ask: what did Noah gain? The explanation is that, in a pair, even Falsehood is not so unrestrained. At some point, Betrayal will say: this is too much!!! Even Betrayal is not so unrestrained—there are things that even Falsehood cannot tolerate!
Incidentally, the Kotzker Rebbe said that this little family later had a child—they named it Politics.
A husband and wife have the wonderful, valuable opportunity to see things from different angles. Sometimes this leads to a joint decision—a compromise. Sometimes it turns out that it is better to approach the matter from two sides at once, as with most problems. Even a rug is hard to shake out when you are both holding the same edge.
Chava Kuperman recounted that her parents, Rabbi Zilber and the Rebbetzin, of blessed memory, sometimes argued in front of the children—and each remained of their own opinion. This taught their children a great deal.
Criticism
Unfortunately, an argument—a productive discussion of a situation—sometimes turns into a destructive quarrel. Most often, criticism serves as the “bridge.”
Instead of discussing the situation, we begin discussing each other.
What is wrong with wanting, out of concern for someone, to tell them about their shortcomings clearly and emotionally (otherwise they will not pay proper attention!!!)? To help them improve—that is, become the person I want them to be?
| A short test. Think back to times when you were criticized: - by a stranger (for example, on public transportation, a passerby, etc.) - at work - by people close to you. - How did you feel? - Would you want to find yourself in the same situation again? - Would you want to be the cause of such feelings in someone else? |
So what happens? We want to help, but end up hurting someone? Why?
First of all, you have to know how to criticize.
Even the tanna Rabbi Eliezer ben Azariah wrote that he doubted whether there was anyone in his time (!!!) who knew how to criticize.
Rashi explains how to criticize properly:
- with respect
- so that the person’s expression does not change (that is, without hurting or offending them at all).
The test of proper criticism is that it finds its way easily into the soul, leaving the person wanting to hear more.
The Gaon paid the Maggid to criticize him.
Criticism that is oppressive and hurtful, insulting and humiliating, is very dangerous, first and foremost to the critic. Rabbi Dessler writes that G-d judges such a person as someone who despises their fellow human beings and hurts them simply for their own pleasure. The punishment for this is very severe.
Second, in fact, when we criticize, as when we quarrel, we are often driven not by concern for another person’s well-being but by personal problems, most commonly:
- competition
- pride
- anger
- the conviction that everything must turn out as I expect.
to be continued