Rabbi Simcha Cohen
There is another problem related to the partnership-oriented psychology of women and the isolation-oriented psychology of men.
Husbands often complain that they are constantly criticized, regardless of whether the criticism is fair or whether this is an appropriate time for it. “I also have plenty of reasons to make comments and criticize, but I refrain from doing so to avoid spoiling the positive atmosphere at home,” men say.
This is one of the complaints husbands make most often, which suggests that such behavior in women stems not from a woman's nastiness and poor manners, as many think, but from her inclination toward partnership.
For the purposes of our discussion, we can accept the husband's assertion that his wife criticizes him too much, and we can also understand why this happens: a wife is more closely attached to her home, her family and her husband than he is to them. The more attached a person is to something, the more they criticize it. For example, a person makes more critical remarks to their own child than to their neighbors' son. This is not because they feel more warmly toward the neighbors' child, but because they are more attached to their own son and care about him.
The husband should also look at this from another perspective. He believes that his wife is constantly finding fault with him. But for her, most of the things she says that sound like complaints to him are actually attempts to share her thoughts with him. Similar thoughts may well pass through the husband's mind too, but he sees no need to put them into words, because he lacks the inclination toward partnership that characterizes his wife.
In addition, the husband should know that the Almighty has instilled in his wife's feelings a tendency to see her husband as responsible for her, as his wife. He has also instilled a sense of responsibility in the man's psyche, so the husband feels responsible for his wife and her feelings and takes care to ensure her well-being. This makes it even more unpleasant for him to hear her criticism when she expresses dissatisfaction, even if she is not complaining about him personally.
In other words, the husband feels that his wife is “blaming” him, but that is not the case: she sees him as responsible.
At the same time, the wife should understand that even if she has no intention of blaming her husband and therefore allows herself to express her dissatisfaction with a particular situation sharply, he perceives it quite differently. He feels that the criticism is directed at him and against him, and he feels hurt, which sets in motion an internal process of emotional withdrawal from his wife.
The wife should therefore raise this issue directly and explain to her husband that he should regard her words as part of the partnership she so deeply needs rather than as criticism. Moreover, she should add: “If you listen to me attentively and express understanding and solidarity, I will calm down more quickly, and it will be easier for me to feel positively toward you.”