Rabbi Baruch Fruchter
Many of us mistakenly think that prayer and the synagogue are “adult” territory, with no place for children. We will try to look at this question from a different angle: let us consider what prayer means to our children and what role it plays in their lives.
Attitudes toward prayer take shape in childhood
The first and most important thing to understand is that children perceive the world through feelings and emotions. For a child, therefore, prayer is primarily an experience, entirely unrelated to the practical consideration of “I have to.” A child's attitude toward prayer and its emotional associations—whether it will be an eagerly awaited celebration or a forced routine—take shape in early childhood, when Daddy takes his son by the hand (or carries him in his arms) and brings him to the beit midrash for the first time, holds him up to kiss the Torah scroll, or covers him with a large tallit.
Mommy sitting with a book of Tehillim is another image that stays with a girl (or boy) for life, one of those images that convey the warmth of home across the years and the distances…
As you have already understood, the most important thing—more important than hundreds of books on education—is the parents' personal example.
The way our children see us will shape their attitude toward prayer. That is precisely why things that seem insignificant to us can leave a deep mark on a child's attitude toward prayer, and changing that attitude when the child is older will not be easy. For example, Daddy takes a cell phone out of his pocket during prayer and listens attentively to the person on the other end, and the child immediately learns that prayer takes second place to business.
When a daughter asks why Mommy does not go to the synagogue, she hears the answer: “How can I go to the synagogue when I have so much laundry!” So laundry is much more important!
We are certainly not disputing the fact that most women do not have time for 3 prayers a day with a minyan, quite apart from the fact that women do not have this obligation.
Nevertheless, the very tone in which Mommy speaks about prayer, Torah reading, and the synagogue should be respectful.
The same applies to how seriously Daddy takes praying with a minyan: does he get up early enough every morning to prepare for a conversation with the Creator, or does he ignore the alarm and hurriedly mumble something from the siddur at the last moment, wrapping his tefillin as he rushes?
Again, all sorts of things happen in life: going to bed late, feeling unwell, a broken clock—all these are valid reasons for a disruption to the usual prayer routine.
Children, however, are more likely to notice our attitude toward the event than the event itself. Either we express sincere regret, treating it almost like an emergency, in which case the child will sympathize with us and may even remind us the next day that it is time to get up, for example; or, if such carelessness about prayer happens regularly and becomes part of the normal routine, our children will come to think it is normal too, although in fact it is terrible.
Now, about the children themselves.
There comes a moment in every parent's life when we decide: “This Shabbat, I am taking Shloimy (Moishe, Rivka) to the synagogue with me.” Is this the right decision, and is the timing right?
The decision is, of course, up to the parents, but try to be realistic: even a child aged 9-10, let alone a three-year-old, finds it difficult to sit through several hours of prayer without a break.
Decide which part of the prayer you consider most important for your child, and focus your efforts on helping the child truly feel the holiness of that part of the prayer, so that it becomes a joy rather than any kind of punishment.
We will say it again: set yourself realistic goals!
Start small: bringing out the Torah scroll, responding to Kedushah, responding to Kaddish—all these can become the first brick in the sturdy building of a love of prayer. If you have succeeded and your child wants to stay longer, wonderful—do not stop him! As soon as he gets bored, there is always the option of going out to play in the synagogue courtyard or keeping himself occupied with a bag of candy.
Speaking of rewards, these are an important element in helping us develop a child's positive attitude toward prayer.
Thank G-d, grocery stores offer a wide range of kosher candy, chips, and other treats, while the book section has sticker albums and comics. No one knows better than parents what will make their own child happy!
Remember what we wrote about “mivtzaim”: children can accumulate points for good behavior in the synagogue, with each instance of diligent prayer noted, and then receive a more valuable reward.
From an educational perspective, “mivtzaim”—long-term assignments—are particularly effective, because a positive action repeated many times becomes an established skill that is useful throughout life, and habits formed in childhood help a person remain disciplined at all times.
We have therefore identified two basic principles that guide our approach to teaching a child to pray: first, take the child's nature and age into account, and second, set a personal example.
Bear in mind that children generally have very little patience, so it is best to begin with the more symbolic parts—Torah reading, Kedushah, Shema—and gradually add other sections. You should not force a child to pray and sit with a siddur in the synagogue for several hours at a stretch: this may create only aversion instead of love.
Teaching a child to pray is precisely the situation in which phrases such as “At 8 years old, a child should pray Shacharis” and “All your classmates already pray from the siddur on their own” should never be uttered.
It is no secret that many of us became religious at a later age and certainly did not immediately begin observing all 613 commandments at once, praying with great enthusiasm, and so on. Every person is an individual, and your child is no exception!
Nor should we go to the other extreme and leave something as important as our child's prayer to take care of itself.
Parents who show no interest in this process, following the rule that “everything has its time,” are actually doing harm while thinking they are being kind to the child and giving him freedom of choice. Remember that if you are not interested in your child's progress in prayer, he will not show any interest in prayer himself.
If you did not manage to establish regular prayer on your first attempt, that is all right; perhaps he really is not old enough yet. But the first attempt must be followed by a second, a third, and a tenth, and, with G-d's help, your child will begin to pray every day of his own accord and with enthusiasm.
to be continued
Prepared by A. Schwalb