Rebbetzin Leah Gans
Part 2. Read part 1.
A Carefully Planned Conversation
So let us begin by making sure that a conversation with our husband is thought through rather than spontaneous. Let us bear in mind that he has been away from home all day, and we do not know what emotions he is full of or how his day at work (in kollel) went. To begin with, before our husband comes home, we need to recall the good things that happened at home during the day. We need to think about how to begin the conversation—the beginning is very important, as the wisest of kings, King Solomon, said in the book of Kohelet (7:8): “The end of a matter is better than its beginning, and a patient person is better than a proud one.” So we should begin with a smile, recall something good and pleasant, and only then (perhaps after dinner, over a cup of tea—if we have enough patience) talk about what upset us. But we must begin by creating a pleasant atmosphere from the moment he steps through the door.
The Ability to Listen
Now let us talk about what to do when someone shares something with us, when we are the listeners. Listening to another person is difficult, especially giving the process our full attention—that is, doing nothing else at the same time. This applies to both our husband and our children—we often listen to them with only half an ear while doing housework, too. If our husband (or child) sees that we never have time for him, that we are busy, he will stop telling us things, stop sharing with us, and find friends to share with instead. But we want him to share with us! That means that when our husband comes home and wants to share something with us, we need to put everything aside for a while and listen attentively and patiently. We must set our tasks aside not only physically; our mind must also be free to take in what he says. Someone who pretends to listen while thinking about something else looks the part—a vacant gaze, responses that miss the point. We should not be calculating what else we need to do, how much we will fail to get done because we have allowed ourselves this pause, what nonsense he is telling us, what we would have done in his place… Nor should we allow ourselves to glance at the clock or the overflowing sink. Just truly listen.
Even if I disagree with what my husband is telling me, I should not express my opinion while he is speaking. If something is not entirely clear, I can ask him to repeat it: “You meant….” This is a good technique in general—repeating the other person’s thought in our own words clarifies things and prevents misunderstandings. My husband sees that I am really listening and trying to understand him, and if I have misunderstood, he can correct me. “Did you mean that it would be better for us not to go there?” “Are you saying that it would be better for the children if we did such-and-such?” Then he says, “Yes, that is exactly what I meant,” and is happy to have found an attentive listener in his wife.
If we decide that it is time to give our husband some advice, it does not always turn out that he, too, feels ready to receive it. The timing of the advice was poorly chosen in the first place. If our husband is overwhelmed with emotions and simply needs to let them out and cool down, this is certainly not the time for advice. Once he has said everything that is on his heart, we can add: “I understand; you had a very difficult day. It really is very hard when things like this happen, when people treat you that way, when things do not work out, when you cannot get something done…” First and foremost, even if it concerns us directly, just listen and accept what he says.
“Why did you send the child to the synagogue looking like that, with his shirt untucked and his hair disheveled?” Even if the wife has an answer, it is better to remain silent. Not now. First: “The child showed up at the synagogue looking untidy. You were embarrassed by his appearance.” First and foremost, we need to let our husband have his say, agree with what he says, and accept his opinion while his emotions are at their peak. Later, when he has calmed down and feels better because his opinion was accepted, we can discuss the subject again (without turning the accusations back on him). We need to wait until the person is ready to listen. After we have listened to a child, and he knows that we are on his side and sympathize with him, we can say, “Next time, do not go off with that boy; do not play with him…” because a mother is responsible for correcting her child. But a wife is not responsible for correcting her husband’s behavior—so, at most, she can offer advice, but not immediately: only after she sees that he is ready to listen to her.
Our Strength and Our Weakness
We have already discussed how every husband wants to see himself as the head of his own home, so giving him orders is wrong. On the contrary, if we want to succeed in making our home peaceful, we must speak gently to our husband; we do not command, but offer advice. For example: it is Friday, the store is about to close, and we urgently need something. If we start giving orders—“Oh! You’re home! Hurry, run to the store; we urgently need…”—our husband will answer, “Yes, I have just come home, I am very tired, and I want to rest. If you need it so badly, go yourself.” But if we ask, “How good that you’re home. I can see that you are very tired, and I feel terribly awkward asking you, but could you please go to the store? It is about to close, and I desperately need…”
The Almighty gave a woman gentleness and tenderness; that is her weapon. Fighting with someone else’s weapons—a man’s weapons—is unlikely to work for us; men have a much larger arsenal than we do to counter those. But they have nothing with which to counter gentleness. So, by acting wisely, tenderly, and gently, a woman can gain a great deal. “A wise woman built her home” can also be translated as “A woman’s wisdom built her home.”
Prepared by: Mrs. Zissy Skarzhinskaya