Rebbetzin Leah Gans
Communication is one of the most important things in building a Jewish home, and later on, in sustaining a strong relationship.
What is communication, called tikshoret in Hebrew? Within the word tikshoret lies the word kesher, connection. So it is a connection between two people on a level that allows each to express their feelings and wishes, understand one another’s mood, and grasp the meaning of what is said (after all, everyone speaks their own language, and words sometimes mean different things to different people)—in other words, to reach mutual understanding.
There are two forms of communication: verbal (through spoken language) and nonverbal (without speech, for example, through gestures, facial expressions, posture, looks, and mannerisms). While we are likely to understand a stranger’s words unambiguously, understanding his facial expressions and “body language” takes time to study him and get to know him. Once we know a person better, we can say more accurately what he meant.
With someone we know, it is easier to say what it might mean when he curls his lip, wrinkles his nose, or frowns. We know which gesture expresses doubt, which shows attention, what state of mind makes him rub his hands nervously, and when he will shrug his shoulders. With a stranger, it is much harder to determine his mood as he speaks to us. Moreover, using gestures in different countries can lead to some curious situations—the same gesture may be perfectly normal in one country and completely unacceptable in another.
So, before making assumptions about our spouse’s mood based on nonverbal communication, we need to talk a great deal, explain, and ask for explanations: what he meant to say, what his wishes are, what is getting in the way and what is needed, what is difficult, and what, on the contrary, brings him joy.
Over time, nonverbal means of communication play an increasingly important role between spouses. Often, a subtle gesture or a brief glance from one spouse, which no one else at the table notices, says a great deal to the other: “Stop!” “Pay attention!” “Well done!” “Ignore that!” For example, a husband wants to signal to his wife that it is time to move on to the next course, and gives her a discreet wink. Almost no one at the table will understand what it means, but his wife, who has known this gesture for many years, will begin clearing the plates.
Spouses should spend time observing one another’s facial expressions and gestures so that they can master this nonverbal channel of communication and understand each other better.
Inner Monologue
Another kind of communication is also natural to human beings: an inner conversation with oneself.
When I worked as an accountant at the Birkat Rachel store, the one-way bus journey to work took over an hour. I found this wasted time on the road terribly tiring. Later, however, I learned to use the time productively—in an inner dialogue. During the journey, I organized my day, drew up a clear schedule, and planned what I needed to do and what I wanted to do: What does the Almighty want of me today? What can I correct and improve? One day, when someone gave me a ride in a car, I realized that I had missed that hour that day!
Today we have phones; a person can be reached anywhere and is almost never alone with himself. In the past, however, journeys were a time when a person could get to know himself better, calmly think through something in his life, or even simply make a plan for the day. We can spend that hour simply being bored, or we can benefit from an inner conversation with ourselves: find positive thoughts that energize us and separate them from thoughts that hold us back, harm us, and weigh us down.
We are not discussing cheshbon nefesh, self-examination, here, nor prayer, a conversation with the Almighty; those are subjects for separate lessons. But if a person can be alone with himself without feeling empty inside, that is wonderful.
Do Not Try to Be a Hero
Sometimes women want to act like heroines. They believe they do not need to share either their joys or their sorrows with anyone—especially with their perpetually busy husband. Let their husband have “peace and quiet to focus on his work”; besides, men often ask not to be bothered. So these heroic women fight down the natural desire, instilled by the Almighty, to share their experiences and feelings. But this cannot go on for long. As a rule, women cannot withstand the emotional pressure and eventually “burst,” often with negative emotions.
Such behavior is not heroism; it is “going against one’s own nature.” A person was created to live in society, to communicate, and to share. Both men and women feel the desire from time to time to share what is happening to them. Suppressing it takes a heavy toll on their mental well-being.
It is best for a conversation to take place in a calm setting, over a cup of tea and something delicious. Then the happy events of the day, feelings, successes and disappointments, and fears can be discussed calmly.
We see this reflected in Jewish law. When a person’s relative dies, he must sit shiva for 7 days, during which people visit him to offer comfort. This is not merely a ritual. It is important for a person to feel that his pain will be heard, that he will be supported in a moment of weakness, that he is not alone, and that he has someone to share with. When we come to comfort a mourner, we are forbidden to begin the conversation first. Why? Because if he does not want to speak, if he remains “closed off,” withdrawn within himself, and cannot accept comfort, there is no point in talking to him. To be able to listen, the mourner himself must be ready to share; then he will also be able to hear what those who have come to comfort him can say. Moreover, those offering comfort can share his sorrow and take some of his burden so that he feels better. This week makes the grief bearable, allowing a person to go on living. But for that to happen, he needs someone with whom to share his emotions.
The Almighty, who created human beings, in His mercy established this law of seven days of mourning so that a person could share his grief and thereby bear it. The Almighty knows how important it is for a person to share his emotions—that is how He created him.
Setting It Aside Is Upholding It
Some women believe that such conversations with their husband are bitul Torah (“neglect of Torah”—a situation in which a Jew does not study Torah even though he has the opportunity to do so). Instead of talking to his wife, the husband could be studying! My husband’s time is precious! This is a mistaken calculation. In this case, “setting it aside is upholding it.” Sharing a little at a time is better than bottling things up until there is an explosion—it will take far more time and energy to put it out and deal with all the consequences.
Anything but That!
On the other hand, when a husband comes home, he is ready to listen to his wife, but not to constant complaints. If his wife’s conversation consists entirely of complaints, he runs away from her, runs away from home—anything to avoid hearing her endless dissatisfaction. Of course, from time to time we can complain about tiredness, the children’s bad behavior, or the overall workload, but we should not do so constantly. Unfortunately, a woman often spends the whole day waiting for her husband to open the door, and as soon as he crosses the threshold, she catches him: “Oof! What a terrible day I have had! Got up, dressed them, fed them, dropped them off, went out, came back, fed them, homework, entertained them, settled them down, cleaned, cooked, did the laundry… Put them to bed! Oof! What a hard day!” If this is how she greets her husband every day, it is no wonder that he is in no hurry to come home.
In general, what a husband most wants to hear is that his wife is happy. This is very important to him—then he feels that he is a good husband. Still, he is occasionally willing to listen to complaints, but as rarely as possible, and preferably constructive ones, because his next instinct is to fix whatever he can. If his wife complains constantly and he is unable to change anything, being in that home is unpleasant for him—so he stays late at work and finds things to do to avoid being in a home where things feel bad. He “flies” out of the house (a play on the exclamation “oof!” and the word “uf,” Hebrew for “fly”).
To be continued
Prepared by: Mrs. Zissy Skarzhinskaya