Rebbetzin Leah Gans
Our topic today is “How to instill in a child the desire to do what needs to be done.” This may sound unclear, but let me explain. For example, a child has a choice: go and study or go and play. What will help the child choose to study?
I want to give a few examples from our family’s life and beyond to illustrate everything said in the previous article.
For example, when we finish reading one of the five books of the Torah and reach “Chazak, chazak, venitchazek,” my husband holds a quiz at home on all the portions—with prizes. Our children really look forward to it. Once, he forgot because he was tired, and the children immediately pounced on him: “Dad! How can that be? No quiz today?” Generally, the quiz begins with the youngest children and moves on to the older ones. The questions are not difficult; each child gets questions suited to their level. Every correct answer earns a prize. Most interestingly, even our sons-in-law and daughters-in-law enjoy taking part.
Another example. My niece lived with her husband and children in a small rented apartment for a long time.
They invested money in a housing construction project in Kiryat Sefer. Something went wrong there, the company went bankrupt, then apparently came back—it was quite a saga. In the meantime, they lived in that little apartment for many years. Recently, they were finally due to receive the keys to their own apartment and move in. The whole family gathered to think about how and when to congratulate them. What should we celebrate? When should we give a gift? When they receive the key? Or when the truck arrives with the furniture? Or when they actually begin settling in? Then her mother, my brother’s wife, said, “Wait a moment. Let’s think: what are we celebrating here? What do we want to emphasize? Clearly, the most important moment in moving into an apartment is when the mezuzot are affixed!”
That is what shows that a Jewish home has been established here—not the keys or the truckload of belongings.
And indeed, the whole family gathered for the ceremony of affixing the mezuzot and gave gifts. This is a true chanukat habayit, a dedication of the home.
Many mothers whose sons have reached bar mitzvah age put a great deal of effort into a lavish, delicious spread for the celebration. My daughter-in-law celebrates it differently.
She also puts effort into the food, but for her, the main focus is the spiritual part of the celebration. They gather a minyan of relatives, and the bar mitzvah boy makes a siyum — a ceremony marking the completion of a tractate of Gemara or a section of Mishnah. He pours some of his wine for everyone present, and his father recites a special Kaddish. Only then do the other guests arrive. In this way, the mother and father show what really matters to them in the celebration.
When our children were little, my sister-in-law Naomi Munk would organize a celebration for the children every Shabbat Mevarchim (the Shabbat before the start of a new month). She gathered the little ones and recited the blessings for the month with them. Then they danced in a circle around the table, singing and dancing. It was very heartwarming and created an atmosphere of joy at home. I once saw this at her home and adopted the same custom in my own. The older children pray in the synagogue, while the younger ones celebrate the new month at home with their mother. We also prepare a festive meal.
This way, the children see that the beginning of each month is a celebration for us, a time of joy.
A son who is already studying in yeshiva completes a tractate from time to time. Of course, his mother is very busy, but amid all her tasks she needs to find time to smile and offer praise. Without rushing. To stop and think about what words will emphasize how important his studying is to us and how much his achievements matter. A mother can ask how her son wants to mark the occasion, what kind of cake she should bake for him, when he would like them to celebrate—on Shabbat or during the week—and whether he wants to invite friends. When a son sees that his mother is moved, that she greets his achievements with great joy, and that they matter to her, he values his studies even more. A mother conveys her emotions to her son, giving him the desire to continue studying. After all, he sees that she found time to rejoice for him amid her responsibilities, in the daily round of routine, despite her tiredness.
That means what he is doing really matters.
But if his mother shows no joy or pays no attention at all, the next time the child will be reluctant to tell her, or will say nothing at all. His attitude toward his own studies will reflect this. If Mom doesn’t care, neither do I.
We know that this is exactly what happened with Shabbat observance in America. Among the children of Jewish families who came from Europe, some remained observant, while others abandoned it all. All their parents were religious and G-d-fearing. When they arrived in America, they found that it was impossible to keep a job while observing Shabbat, but they continued to observe it with self-sacrifice. A man would take a job and work all week on the same terms as everyone else. But on Friday afternoon he would prepare to go home, telling his employer that he would not come in on Saturday. He would receive his final pay and be fired. When such a distressed father came home, his family greeted him and saw his reaction. If he groaned and said, “Well, there it is. I’ve lost my job again. My employer fired me because I observe Shabbat. How much we suffer because of Shabbat!” then the children, too, saw Shabbat as suffering. But if the father smiled and said, “Just look! We have merited spending another Shabbat as Jews! This is a test, and we have stood firm! In the merit of this Shabbat, the Almighty will not abandon us!” In such families, of course, the children saw Shabbat as a celebration, a joy they would never want to give up. In both families, the parents observed Shabbat; the difference lay in how they felt about the sacrifices this required.
As for girls, we must be sure to praise them for their good deeds.
Praise and celebrate every good deed, and talk about it aloud at home. Mention again and again the good things they do at our request or on their own initiative—tell their grandmothers and grandfathers and the women in the neighborhood about them. Show how much more important exams in Jewish law are to us than exams in secular subjects. This will establish in the child’s mind what matters to us.
Here is one example. The house has finally grown quiet, and a grown daughter sits down to study for tomorrow’s exam. She still has a great deal of material to review, and she is nervous. But then her father asks her to make him a glass of tea. She drops everything and rushes to fulfill his request. This must be praised and highlighted, so that she will want to repeat her good deed and develop the right set of values.
Prepared by Mrs. Zissi Skarzhinskaya