Rebbetzin Leah Gans
Our topic today is “How to instill in a child the desire to do what needs to be done.” This may sound unclear, but let me explain. For example, a child has a choice: go and study or go and play. What will help the child choose to study?
I asked my husband, my friends, and my relatives, but I am increasingly realizing that there is no “trick” that will magically convince a child to want to do what needs to be done: study and help their parents. Given a choice between playing and a serious task that requires effort, by no means every child will choose the task. It turns out that this is a question that concerns everyone. All mothers would like to know the secret, but children differ, and there is no “universal” advice that suits every child. Still, I persisted and managed to gather some advice and real-life examples of situations in which children were successfully encouraged to want to do what needed to be done: study, help around the house, do chesed—so that it became their own desire.
The Role of the Mother
What is our role as women in developing a child’s desire? Rabbi Schlanger writes in his book “Ohel Yaakov VeLeah” that a woman is the source that gives rise to desire. In other words, it is the woman who causes the desire to do something to arise in a child. This process begins while the child is still in the mother’s womb. As soon as a woman learns that she is pregnant, she should begin praying that her child will have ratzon (a desire) to do good.
Ratzon is a gift from the Almighty, but it depends very much on the expectant mother: what she will do and how important it is to her.
There are well-known midrashim describing how a mother influenced her son’s future greatness in Torah. Of Rabbi Yehoshua ben Chananya it is written: “Happy (worthy) is she who bore him.” What was so remarkable about his mother? While pregnant, she stood near the exit of the study hall and asked the sages to bless her unborn son: “Please, pray for mercy for my son, so that he will be wise.” She also prayed a great deal for him herself. Later, after he was born, she would place him in his cradle near the study hall so that he could hear words of Torah from infancy. Rabbeinu Yonah writes that from the very beginning of pregnancy, a mother should pray for her child to be “quick and sharp in Torah.”
The same was true of King Solomon’s mother. Each of David’s wives prayed that her son would be king after David. But Bathsheba prayed that her son would be worthy of prophecy and wisdom. As a result, he merited both these and kingship. When Bathsheba reprimanded him, she would say, “Everyone knows that your father was a righteous, G-d-fearing man, and if you do something wrong, people will say that your mother spoiled you. All the women in your father’s household prayed that their sons would be worthy of kingship, while I prayed that my son would be worthy of prophecy and (that his interest would be in) the wisdom of Torah.” What does she mean? If your desire is to occupy yourself with the trivialities of this world, your righteous father will not be blamed for it. I will be blamed. But I have done everything in my power! I prayed for you, offered a sacrifice in the Temple, and pleaded. So you must refrain from undesirable things, so that people do not say that I am to blame.
From all this, we see something important for us.
A mother’s contribution begins at the stage when mother and child are inseparable—it is then that she instills ratzon in the child’s soul, along with a sense of the importance of things connected with holiness.
Later, too, the child watches his parents: what really matters to them? A top mark on a math exam or a certificate of merit for learning a seder (order) of Mishnah? How does his mother respond? To the certificate, she says, “Yes, well done,” and goes on with her tasks, but to the exam: “Oh! What a clever child! Absolutely outstanding!” The child immediately understands what really matters to his parent. He will not want to disappoint his mother in the things that really matter to her. I should point out that we need to pay attention and show how important this is as soon as the child brings us the certificate.
We parents would like to instill in our child a yearning for Torah and good deeds that will last throughout childhood and continue after marriage—until the age of 120.
A mother’s task is to awaken this yearning by every means possible. But whatever we use, the foundation of everything is emotions. Women are more emotional. And this is precisely what should help us awaken ratzon in a child’s heart by showing the importance of certain things.
In the Book of Samuel (I, 2:19), it is written that Hannah sewed Samuel a me’il katan, a garment for a 2-year-old boy. According to one commentary, this me’il grew along with Samuel from year to year. And he was taken up to heaven wearing it. What is this me’il that his mother sewed for him? The Midrash explains that it is the ratzon that Hannah gave Samuel. Even when she was not beside him, it was as though she continued to convey to him: here is the special me’il that I sewed just for you when I dedicated you to serving the Almighty. This me’il was a symbol of his mother’s ratzon. What would this kind of ratzon look like for us? Preparing delicious food for our yeshiva student, getting his clothes ready, even when it is late, baking him a cake for the journey.
The Gemara tells how parents welcomed their sons returning from the study hall. “Rav Yaakov bar Abba said to Abaye: ‘When I came home, my father would give me a glass, and my mother would pour the wine.’” This shows us that even then, parents greatly valued their sons’ studies. All the more so in our time, when there are so many temptations. For example, in winter, after the Shabbat evening meal, when it is warm at home, one feels like reading or getting under the covers and sleeping, but a son goes out into the cold to study. Surely we must gather everyone and praise him as a family: “What a righteous boy we are raising!” And when he returns, prepare a glass of warm tea for him so that he feels that we were waiting for him, how much his learning means to us, and how much it means that he overcame the desire to stay home under a warm blanket.
To be continued
Prepared by Mrs. Zissi Skarzhinskaya