Rebbetzin Leah Gans
Continued. The beginning is here
Hearts Follow Actions
It is written that "hearts follow actions" ("Sefer HaChinuch," 16). Actions a person performs because the Torah commands us to, understanding that this is what must be done and making himself do it, but without emotion, will gradually be followed by joy and satisfaction, and motivation will increase. At first, we will have to make ourselves invest in family life, but over time, enthusiasm and pleasure will emerge. At the beginning of married life, there are always situations that we feel we cannot accept; they do not come naturally to us. But if we try to make ourselves do so, practicing submission to the Torah's guidance, even if it feels artificial at first, over time it will become part of us, part of our very nature. At first, we give in—overriding ourselves—and say, "Forgive me," "I forgive you," as though we were pulling the word out with pliers, without having fully forgiven. It feels as though all of this is an act, as though we are lying to ourselves. But over time, by working on ourselves, we can reach the point where we forgive more easily, wholeheartedly, sincerely.
As is well known, the word ish contains the letter yud, and the word ishah contains the letter hei, both letters from the Almighty's name.
If these letters are removed, what remains is esh, the fire of passions that burns everything to the ground. But if the union of husband and wife is built on Torah, these letters join to form the Creator's name, and both become servants of the Almighty. They merit a tamed fire that, instead of burning, will warm them and bring them joy.
By making the effort to get to know our spouse, we learn not only his physical needs but his spiritual needs as well; we discover what makes him happy and sad—and these are not necessarily the same things that make us happy and sad. Men and women are entirely different beings, in some ways opposites. It will take a great deal of time to learn to speak the same language. What things irritate and anger my husband? What things, on the other hand, soothe him and make him happy?
At the beginning of a marriage, spouses know why they fell in love with each other, which qualities drew them to one another. But over time, love binds them together, unites them; they grow into one another, and their love no longer depends on anything—it grows and strengthens in the soil of their mutual investment in the family. Such love cannot be undone. It is like a strong house with a stable foundation—no wind can destroy it, a house built to last forever.
A Marathon Runner, Not a Sprinter
We need to prepare ourselves to work on ourselves and our character traits as we would prepare for a long trek. Simply reading 5 pages of a Mussar (Jewish ethics) book in 5 minutes is the wrong approach. We need slow, thoughtful study. I remember that when I had a herniated disc in my neck, once I had recovered a little, I went to a physiotherapist for treatment. She showed me which exercises to do and asked me to repeat them, but immediately stopped me: "You are doing it too quickly! You need to do it several times more slowly, feeling how you tilt your head forward and backward. A slow pace is important so that you do not strain your neck muscles or become dizzy." A slow pace matters not only in exercises; it is necessary for us to "take it to heart," to remember. Work on each character trait must also be slow, so that quick successes do not go to our heads when they have no lasting effect (and then we think that this path has, in the end, brought us no benefit). We need to "take to heart" the changes we have made, and that will take time.
And on the Day of Judgment
Tractate Sotah (1:7) contains a well-known phrase, a thought that is especially relevant in the month of Elul: "The measure a person sets for himself is the measure (that same measure) used for him." This can be rendered as "The way a person treats others is the way he is treated," both by Heaven and by those around him. If a person forgives, even when he has been deeply hurt and is truly still in pain, but overcomes himself and forgives, then, in addition to everything we have discussed concerning the Jewish home, he also receives forgiveness from Heaven on the Day of Judgment.
This is not easy, but "Who is a hero? The one who conquers his evil inclination."
After being hurt, we sit and think: we could take proper revenge, or put on a "9 Av face"—and let him fuss over us. Yet men often do not even know which action of theirs hurt us. In their eyes, it was something entirely innocent; they have no idea how much it bothers and irritates us. But even if he meant to hurt us, that makes no difference when it comes to our forgiving him. What matters is what we do within ourselves with that hurt. If we manage to show the strength of our soul, overcome the evil inclination, and forgive, we gain twice over: peace in the home and forgiveness from Heaven—measure for measure. And if we do not "keep score" down to the tiniest detail in our relationships with our loved ones, but treat them "lifnim mishurat hadin," going beyond what a person owes another, then Heaven will treat us in the same way.
Prepared by: Mrs. Zissi Skarzhinskaya