Rebbetzin Leah Gans
The subject of building a Jewish home is closely intertwined with another subject: developing one's own character. This is especially relevant as the month of Elul begins.
Throughout a person's time in this world, up to the age of 120, they should work on themselves. They can use all the time allotted to them, all their resources, and all their opportunities for this—particularly family life. Here, as a rule, there are many opportunities to remain silent, restrain anger, and rein in pride… If we manage to improve even one character trait, the feeling is beyond compare.
If we can temper our self-centeredness and, through love, include our husband within our sense of “self,” we will be rewarded with a feeling of calm, fulfillment, and joy.
The effect of negative character traits on the soul is comparable to the harm a cancerous tumor (G-d forbid) does to the human body. If it is not removed while it is still small, it will grow and spread metastases until it kills its host (G-d forbid).
Everyone knows their positive qualities and their weaknesses. Working on negative character traits is not a one-day undertaking. It is ongoing work, but the result heals our soul (and, consequently, our body). However, if a person does not put effort into this, negative character traits take hold of them and bring them under their control; they can no longer restrain their impulses and begin to harm themselves and those around them. The evil inclination spreads within a person like a malignant tumor. Gradually, in the eyes of others, they become a bad person who is best avoided—as though “dead” in society's eyes. The last to distance themselves are those closest to them—their family—but as a rule, they suffer the most at their hands. That is why it is within the family that we must make the greatest effort to work on our character traits, systematically and diligently.
Working on Yourself
As a rule, a wife knows which character traits need improving in… her husband. When she hears that family life calls for work on negative character traits, she rubs her hands together and says, “OK, here's the plan: you need to work on…” What follows is a carefully thought-out list, often quite a long one. The problem is that it is almost impossible to change another person. Years of experience confirm this.
But that is not what is meant, either. Each person works on themselves and corrects themselves, while both spouses can enjoy and take pride in the result. The only catch is that everyone is blind to their own faults and tends to justify themselves. “A bribe blinds the wise and distorts the words of the righteous” (Deuteronomy, 16:19). People see themselves as almost perfect; perhaps there are a few flaws, but in the grand scheme of things they are trifles. As for the other person…
How can we be honest with ourselves? See the true extent of our shortcomings? This requires a certain degree of maturity. We need to assess our own character traits from an adult's perspective, looking at ourselves impartially from the outside.
For comparison, we need some reference points. We can use a role model among righteous people, or books on Jewish ethics that describe how to work on character traits.
Working on Yourself, Not Beating Yourself Up
Self-criticism should not be accompanied by despondency—it is very difficult to work in a state close to depression, and it quickly drains our strength. On the contrary, we need to create a sense of joyful anticipation, an expectation of change for the better. Even if a person has had a particular trait since birth, if they try to change it, they will achieve results with G-d's help. And when a person sees how their new self affects their family, their home, their whole life—and how everything changes for the better along with them—it gives them renewed strength and emotional immunity against any of life's troubles.
Character Traits Are Inherited
Moreover, this work will not be lost when a person leaves this world—their children will inherit it. I heard of one family whose life was full of trials. Trouble was always lying in wait for them, but together they withstood every hardship and kept their family intact. When the wife was asked how they had managed to overcome all their trials, she said: “I honestly do not know how to answer that question. It was all with Heaven's help. But I always had before me the example of my parents, who also lived a difficult life but never quarreled, and there were almost no conflicts in their family—they always treated each other with respect and solved every problem together. Their arguments were never intended to humiliate or hurt the other person—only to find the truth or a compromise that suited them both. They gave way to each other and forgave with a light heart.”
When we develop a strong character of our own, capable of yielding and exercising restraint, and when our relationships are founded on mutual respect and dialogue, living in such a home is easier and more pleasant for us, and our children also absorb, “with their mother's milk,” an atmosphere of calm and strength that will help them resolve conflicts in their own families in the future and get through life's trials. For them, this will already be an acquired trait, and they will not have to work so hard at it. In other words, the traits we have invested our energies in developing will be passed down to our children.
“Love is the foundation and root of work (service)”
Whether between a person and the Almighty or between people, relationships cannot be built without love. “And you shall love the L-rd your G-d with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your possessions” (Deuteronomy, 6:5)—from this foundation, one can logically arrive at any aspect of love for the Almighty and closeness to Him. “Love your neighbor (re'echa) as yourself” (Leviticus, 19:18)—this is what is written about relationships between people. If we take this as the foundation on which we build our home (re'im ahuvim—beloved companions, meaning husband and wife), then forgiving and yielding become much easier. All our work on ourselves within the family becomes easier if “Love covers all sins” (Proverbs, 10:12).
We do not live under ideal conditions. Adam and Eve had the best possible circumstances in the Garden of Eden. There were no outsiders, no envy or rivalry—only the two of them. Their love was untainted by jealousy. This love is built into Creation; it is natural, as it should be. After the sin, after eating the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge, love between husband and wife came to require constant learning, work on the part of both, and an investment of effort. For us, attaining true love without this is impossible.
Everyone lives within their own shell of selfishness. Basically, a person feels that they are fine as they are—they are protected and have everything. On the other hand, to grow close to someone, we must come out of our shell, or expand it and let the other person in. Then we will discover this original love, which exists in the world but is difficult to attain without effort.
It is written that the love between spouses should be like the relationship between the right and left hands belonging to one body. The right and left (hands) feel one another: when one hurts, the other hurts too; when the right feels good, so does the left. This is the state we should strive for: when my husband is in pain, so am I; when he feels bad, so do I.
If we begin moving in this direction, the Almighty will help us many times beyond the effort we put in, as it is written: “Open for Me an entrance (the size of) the tip of a needle, and I will open for you an entrance the size of a hall” (“Midrash Rabbah,” Song of Songs, 5:2). Then Eve's curse (“and your desire shall be for your husband” (Genesis, 3:16)) will become, for us, “I (belong) to my beloved, and his desire is for me” (Song of Songs, 7:11).
to be continuedPrepared by: Mrs. Zissi Skarzhinskaya