Rebbetzin Esther Offengenden
Another very important rule: you cannot skip steps. When talking to a child, you immediately begin analyzing the situation and suggest looking at it from the outside. This is natural, but it is precisely this kind of skipping. There is a particular sequence in which things should happen, and for this to work, that sequence must not be disrupted.
First, the child needs to see that there is someone who hears and understands him. Only then will he agree to think things through with that person and look for a solution to his problem. And there is a good chance that he will do the thinking himself.
Here is one woman's story. Her five-year-old daughter fell, scraped her knee, tore her tights, and began to cry. She and her husband naturally assumed that the girl was crying from pain. The mother said to her, “Are you crying because you're scared?” The girl picked up on this and continued: “Yes, yes! I'm afraid you'll scold me for tearing tights that are so new and so pretty!” As it turned out, she was not even thinking about the pain; she was afraid of something else entirely. The father held her in his arms, while the mother reassured her and said she would not be scolded. Then the girl bent down and tore the tights the rest of the way, to see how it would all end.
A few days later, her friend also fell and hurt herself, and her mother was very frightened because there was a lot of blood. The mother was even more frightened than the girl and began shouting. This little five-year-old went up to her and said: “There's no need to shout! People don't get scolded for torn tights!” A few days after that, she went up to her own parents and said: “And when I fall, you'll still love me, won't you?!”
We cannot imagine what even the most insignificant words can do to children.
And this is one of the miracles that happen when someone is heard out, rather than met with a hasty response before he has finished speaking. I do not know what he needs to hear. But when I reflect back what he has said to me, he himself fits those words into the places where he needs them! After this incident, this little girl will never again doubt that she will still be loved even if she falls. And this confidence was given to her by a mother who, amid all the commotion, did not shout or begin rattling off in a panic, “It's nothing serious; we'll quickly wash it with iodine, and everything will be fine!”
It is very important in life to respond more strongly to positive emotions than to negative ones.
For example, a child does poorly in school. The first possible reason: he does not feel the joy of victory, believe that he will succeed, or enjoy overcoming difficulties. What is the point of sitting and studying if nothing good awaits you for it?!
It is very, very important to strengthen positive emotions, highlight them, and let the child experience them again. Any success, however small, can be used to turn a child who is struggling with his studies into one who, to begin with, at least starts taking an interest in them. Of course, nothing will change after a single instance, but noticing these occasions and not letting them pass can help a child a great deal. How could you respond to such a situation? “You're so clever, what a wonderful boy you are! I've always known it! I've always believed in you!!”
And how do many parents automatically (and incorrectly!) respond to this situation? “See, when you make an effort, you can get ‘excellent’ grades!”
One mother told me that her child got 100 on an exam, and she framed the exam and hung it on the wall. And the child stopped studying altogether! You see, his achievements are framed in the most prominent spot, and there is no longer any point in studying. He has already achieved everything; there is nowhere left to go! What is 100? It means there is not a single mistake. What does that mean? It means that now he will study like a fool, spending time and effort, and if he makes one tiny mistake, he will get 99! Well, what kind of achievement is getting 99 after a hundred?! With this hundred, which the mother turned into such a great celebration, she drew him into a terrible competition with himself, a competition that is impossible to win: the child cannot get more than a hundred anyway! There is nowhere higher to go!
The mother thought that by doing this she would support her son and inspire him to strive for success. In fact, with the best of intentions, she destroyed his desire and the very possibility of making an effort.
It is worth simply saying: “You're happy, you did it—how wonderful! I'm so happy for you too! Do you feel how sweet this is right now?! Here, take this chocolate bar and eat it. To make it even sweeter!” I can strengthen the positive emotion, help him remember how happy he felt when he achieved that victory, how wonderful it is when things work out. And “working out” does not necessarily mean 100. For example, a boy is studying English and taking extra lessons. Then he gets 100 and says he no longer needs the extra lessons. First of all, you need to share in his joy over his success. But what should you do next?
You can start a conversation with him and casually ask what exactly helped him feel so confident now. Then lead him to the idea, to the conviction, that it was those extra lessons that helped him so much. Most often, we merely give a hint, and then the child thinks for himself and makes his own “discoveries.” If he does not work out for himself that he succeeded precisely because of those extra lessons, you can nudge him toward that conclusion. (“Wonderful, perhaps it was those lessons, remember? Of course, I don't doubt that you can do it on your own, but since you have this opportunity, you should take advantage of it—why not?” And, of course, you should check: could it be that taking extra lessons is simply considered shameful in his class? (“Smart, capable children don't take lessons like that!”) But this is something you absolutely must discuss. Some children resist extra lessons, and it is very interesting to hear why.
My parents (like many others) spent an enormous amount of time trying to persuade me to study music. They simply could not understand why I hated music so much. I was ashamed to tell them, but I still remember where that hatred came from. There was a television program called “Visiting a Fairy Tale.” My music teacher would come to teach me just as the program was starting. For me, every minute at the piano felt like a terrible loss, tearing me away from the pleasure of watching my favorite program.