Rabbi Simcha Cohen
Should a Wife Thank Her Husband
We mentioned that expressing gratitude also involves a conflict between a husband's expectation of hearing his wife's thanks and the difficulty she has in expressing that gratitude.
Who, in this situation, should push past their own feelings and take a step toward accommodating the other's feelings?
Should the husband stop expecting her gratitude, or should the wife perhaps overcome her emotional difficulties and express her appreciation to him again and again for everything he does for her, even for things that are taken for granted?
Of course, a husband should understand that his wife's infrequent thanks do not stem from an unkind nature or from a failure to appreciate him as a person or what he does: although she does not express it in words, deep down she undoubtedly appreciates and respects him and feels grateful to him.
At the same time, however, in this case it is the woman who must and can overcome her emotional blocks and accustom herself to thanking her husband without any hesitation whenever he expects such gratitude.
This obligation rests on her, among other reasons, because in any relationship each person should always try to thank the other. Furthermore, from an ethical standpoint, gratitude should be expressed according to the feelings and expectations of the giver, rather than the feelings of the recipient.
Since a husband has a strong need for expressions of gratitude, it is right for his wife to respond according to what he needs rather than what she feels.
Moreover, the personal benefit she will gain from doing so cannot be overstated, because expressions of gratitude are not only an emotional need for a man, but will also become a powerful incentive for him to participate more actively in household and family affairs. Through her constant expressions of gratitude, her husband will feel his attachment to her growing stronger. He will say to himself: “It is worth helping a woman who appreciates what I do for her.” As a result, the atmosphere in their family nest will change for the better.