Rabbi Simcha Cohen
From time to time, I hear the following: “Your approach is completely unsuitable for our generation. Perhaps that was how things worked in the past. But today men and women are equal in society—women also work and earn money for the family, and men also work in the kitchen and care for the children. There are women who lead governments or head enormous companies.”
That is true. From a technical and functional standpoint, there is indeed a considerable degree of gender equality today, and it will only continue to expand in the future.
Moreover, I know of no Torah source that says there is a position or job that a man can perform but a woman is incapable of doing.
At the same time, there is a significant difference between technical and functional equality, in which men and women serve in the same roles, and the emotional differences between them.
Since these are innate and natural traits, emotional processes in men and women still differ noticeably today.
My Arm Hurts Too
The capacity for partnership that characterizes women and gives them a clear advantage in family relationships sometimes becomes an obstacle. Certain forms of behavior arising from this quality can cause harm, even though there is no ill intent behind them.
For example, a man comes home and, hoping for a little pampering, says—whether to himself or to his wife—“I have a headache.” Sometimes his wife may reply, “Yes, my arm hurts too.” This is precisely the response her husband was not expecting.
In this case, the wife does not want to downplay her husband's suffering—she is simply showing empathy: “You have a headache, and my arm hurts.” This is exactly how she responds when a female friend tells her about her problems, and then both women feel a sense of mutual concern and closeness.
In a marital relationship, however, this is the wrong response.
At this moment, the husband needs personal attention focused entirely on him and is not in the mood to hear about her problems. He thinks to himself, “For once I don't feel well, and you have to tell me right now that your arm hurts?!” But his wife does not even suspect that there is anything wrong with such a “sympathetic” response.