The happiness that prevails in Jewish families observing Jewish law, even under present conditions, when the breakdown of the family all around us becomes more and more unstoppable with every passing hour, shows that the Jewish view of the intimate aspects of family life should become the subject of careful study by today's Jewish youth.
One of the pillars of the modern Reform movement, describing the happiness and well-being that have characterized Jewish families observing the commandments since medieval times, writes: “Even today, both in Europe and in America, one can observe the way of life characteristic of the Jewish family in earlier times. These are families that lead a religious life. Families into which the influence of emancipation has penetrated lead a different way of life, shaped by their estrangement from religion.”
One historian surveying the panorama of Jewish life in our time could say just a few years ago: “The role of the family in Jewish life is extraordinarily important, since it served as the link between concern for racial purity and the observance of religious tradition. It is a fortress of the Jewish worldview, in which life was shaped by Jewish law and had its own distinctive intimate character.” This is also true of families that maintain a connection with Jewish tradition, even in its most unorthodox form.
The unity characteristic of the typical Jewish family is not the result of an ethnic or racial trait of the Jewish people. Nor does it arise from some special overall attitude full of good intentions, or from a “connection with Jewish tradition” that is nevertheless formless and unstructured. It is, of course, the result of that particular Orthodox tradition—Halakhah, or the “Jewish way of life”—the very halakhic tradition, the binding law, that has given the Jewish family its stability.
The Jewish Way of Life
Observance of the law of family purity directly influenced the way of life of the Jewish family and the community of Israel; it gave strength and stability to the bonds of brotherhood within the people. The system established by Jewish law for husband and wife is known as “taharat hamishpachah” (“family purity”). As we have already seen, this is the most fitting expression, since it relates to the pursuit of that form of spiritual elevation called “taharah”—“purity”—which is the foundation of family unity.
We discussed above the importance of the psychological aspect of purification embodied in a bride's ritual immersion in the mikveh. Yet the psychological influence of observing the law of family purity is not limited to the sphere of intimate life during the first years of marriage. Observance of this law plays a decisive role in preserving the family when the freshness and novelty of intimate relations disappear and everyday routine takes over.
Getting married is fairly simple, but maintaining a marriage is difficult: that is an entirely different matter.
The Talmud compares overcoming the difficulties of family life to the miracle that consisted not only in the sea's parting, but also in its waters standing motionless to the right and left like walls until the entire people of Israel had passed between them. Getting married, with all the problems it presents to husband and wife, is relatively simple. Far more difficult—tantamount to a miracle—is preserving a marriage amid the turbulence of modern life. Sexual attraction brings a young couple together, leads them beneath the wedding canopy, and helps them during the first years of marriage. Later, however, when this attraction weakens, the marriage sometimes finds itself in danger, threatened with dissolution. And, unfortunately, this happens all too often. The joy of life together turns into a drab daily routine; the charm and beauty characteristic of the beginning of their journey lose their freshness, feelings grow dull, and dreary ordinary days set in—and this is the most dangerous poison for family life.
Routine and Boredom
The success of a marriage depends on the endurance of the mutual attraction that characterized the couple in their early years; moreover, it should even grow over time. Observance of the laws of family purity, with the mandatory periodic physical separation of the spouses, guarantees that this attraction remains at its full strength. This is how the Talmud describes the psychological consequences of observing the law of family purity:
“Why does the Torah command a woman to remain apart during the seven days of her impurity? Because her husband grows accustomed to her and his desire cools. Then the Torah said: Let her impurity last seven days, so that she may be as desirable to her husband as when she entered beneath the wedding canopy.” (Tractate Niddah 31b).
Unrestricted sexual intimacy brings complete sensual satisfaction, to the point of satiation and boredom, and boredom introduces disharmony into family relationships. Spouses who follow the requirements of the Torah and observe the rule of physical separation, however, are not exposed to this danger of satiation, and their original love continues in all its strength.
The Sages of the Talmud were right! Routine drives spouses apart; temporary separation, on the contrary, brings their hearts closer together. The Chief Rabbi of Israel, Rabbi Unterman, noted that, according to those who dealt with problems of family life, a husband often wants to part from his wife, even to the point of divorce, yet after being apart for a certain time, he suddenly realizes that he needs her, misses her, and loves her. Separation leads to reunion. The temporary seclusion commanded by the Torah safeguards the vitality of marital relationships; moreover, it brings them new charm and restores their poetry: “And our bed—fresh flowers” (Song of Songs, 1:16).
A Honeymoon—Always
The law of family purity has another benefit that relates directly to a woman: it helps preserve the beauty of the first months of marriage. Men are generally less sensitive to this than women, since the realm of sex and sensuality is purely external to their inner lives. For a woman, these are inseparable from her very existence. Her biological nature penetrates much more deeply into the psychological realm. While a boy dreams of what he will be when he grows up—a soldier, firefighter, doctor, or scientist—a girl, even one who aspires to a particular profession, still dreams first and foremost of marriage, a family and a home of her own, of children and family life. The older she grows, the stronger her desire for marriage and the more she dreams of love. During her engagement, she thinks about her wedding night and her future life with her betrothed (“and they shall become as one flesh”). And how sad it is if her dreams come true only to fade quickly away. What a cruel disappointment and loss of hope it is for a woman if just a week or a month turns out to be the fulfillment of her dreams of a long life filled with longing and tenderness—a meager realization of the most beautiful of dreams!
Yet the law of family purity brings about a miracle: the honeymoon never ends throughout many years of life together.
Love is truly dramatic when the absence of physical intimacy alternates with the spouses' complete union month after month. In this way, the period of separation returns the spouses again and again to the wonderful time of their engagement, when bride and groom express their love and tenderness to one another without physical intimacy. Afterward, the woman immerses herself in the waters of the mikveh, recites the very blessing she recited as a bride, and returns to her husband in purity and love, as on her wedding night.
In such an atmosphere, everyday life does no harm to love. A woman's dreams become reality, and her aspirations are filled with enchantment. Her life promises to be a perpetual honeymoon over which satiation and routine have no power.