The law of family purity has another noteworthy feature: it influences the nature of the relationship between spouses and the way they see each other.
Modern psychology and social circles influenced by Martin Buber identify two ways of perceiving another person—as "Thou" or as "He" (or "She"). The first involves perceiving another person as a human being, a subject, an independent individual with intrinsic worth—and this attitude is full of respect. The second involves treating a person as an object deprived of individuality, dignity, and worth in their own right, much as one treats a thing as a means of satisfying one's own needs, desires, and lusts. In the first approach, I "encounter" a person and stand face to face with another individual; in the second, I use another individual and treat them as a thing.
A sensual attitude undoubtedly inclines a person toward the second approach: "I and He (She)," rather than cultivating a relationship defined as "I and Thou."
There is a tendency to use a sexual partner as a thing and an object of one's own lust. The caveman who dragged a woman by her hair (at first glance, a caricature, yet this type of man still exists today!) did not perceive her as an individual with intrinsic worth, worthy of respect. To him, she was merely an object of his lust, a thing like the other things around him, and nothing more. Let us be honest and admit that this objectification of women is, to a certain extent, characteristic of sexual relations in modern society.
We must not allow such an attitude to take root in us—it demeans human dignity, both that of the person reduced to an object and that of the one who acts as a consumer.
Once it has arisen, such an attitude toward a human being does not remain within the confines of the bedroom—it penetrates every sphere of life, permeating every aspect of it. The animal within a person is tamed and trained in accordance with his attitude toward others, and first and foremost toward his wife, whom he perceives either as "Thou" or as "She."
The law of family purity ennobles the innermost depths of men's and women's souls. It curbs a man's unbridled lust and helps him recognize clearly that his wife was not created solely to satisfy his desires. For if she were merely an "object," he could treat her however he wished, satisfy any of his lusts, and resort, if necessary, to physical force.
The laws of the Torah gradually but surely instill in his heart the awareness that his wife is a human being, that she is made in the image and likeness of God, and is not a thing!
Some believe that self-restraint and abstinence are sufficient in themselves and lead to the same results, and that there is therefore no need to observe the Torah's law. However, voluntary abstinence fails to justify itself, if only because it can arouse a suspicion in the heart of a husband or wife that love has cooled. Furthermore, voluntary abstinence will not bring the same benefits or contribute to the refinement of feelings that the religious essence of the law brings to the relationship between spouses. And yet, how vital and beneficial are the psychological effects of observing this Jewish commandment, how comprehensive and profound its influence on the very nature of married life and the institution of marriage! If it did not exist, it would have to be invented for the sake of our peace and well-being.