Rebbetzin Esther Offengenden
Competitiveness, anger, and our other feelings and emotions:
Some schools of psychology believe that a feeling is a given and must be expressed, or things will get worse.
The Torah takes a completely different approach. From a Jewish perspective, feelings fall within the realm of free will, and we are fully responsible for them. Learning to manage feelings may not be easy—but it is my responsibility, not that of "the person who pushed me too far"...
A few practical tips
How to use competitiveness:
- Do not say things like, "But I managed... I did it for you!... And you!.."
- Use "I" to describe your difficulties, rather than your heroic deeds. For example: "I'm finding it hard to keep up with the dishes. Will you help?"
- Do not blame the person; talk about the situation. For example: "I understand that you didn't mean to hurt me, but things worked out in such a way that..."
- Express gratitude.
- Include yourself in the criticism. For example: "We didn't handle this very well.."
- Ask for help. For example: "I so want to love you. Help me".
How to use pride:
Give praise—as much and as sincerely as possible. The Ramchal writes that human nature is to listen only to people who praise and love us.
Do you need to argue? Prepare! For example, now, while things are calm, make a list of your partner's strengths. Try to add to this list periodically. Before an argument—reread it!!! Go into battle armed.
A rosh yeshiva once complained that it was difficult for him to expel a particular student—he had to climb five steps. I climb the first—but he has a kind heart... The second—and a difficult situation at home... The third—but last year he helped so much... The fourth—and what will happen to him out on the street?.. The fifth—I go over, kiss him, and return to my room.
The first words in an argument or when criticizing should be: "You are such a—smart, kind, generous, etc. (as appropriate)—person"!
How to use the conviction that everything must work out the way I expect:
- Reflect on your own lack of objectivity. I see the world through glasses anyway—so let them be rose-colored...
- Use the motto "Don't be right—be wise." As on the highway, staying alive matters more.
- Learn not to pay attention to everything. We are not perfect. If you look closely enough, it is impossible to live with anyone—starting with yourself.
How to work on anger:
This is a very extensive subject that is best addressed separately. The main ideas are:
- When you are calm, study your anger and find a way to manage it.
- Breathing. When you are angry, it is shallow, rapid, and short. To calm down, breathe deeply and slowly.
- More than 85% of the expression of anger occurs in the first 5-15 minutes. Try to occupy that time: for example, only argue when wearing a specific outfit, do not start a confrontation until you have run around the house 3 times, and so on.
- Imagine that you are watching what is happening from the outside, on a screen, for example. Just observe. If your imagination is not up to it, you can actually film an argument once. For example, the children could film it—they see and hear everything anyway. (This is, of course, a joke, but... a sad one.)
to be continued