Rebbetzin Esther Offengenden
Another explanation from our Sages: a person is created “in the image of G-d.” “The Almighty only gives, constantly gives—His essence is to give” (Ramchal). In giving, a person feels that he is truly alive.
Once a young woman complained to me that this system did not work. “I'm always making sure he does things for me, and I don't seem to see much love. If anything, he's become irritable!” —She had understood it all so well! “If I make my husband give, I'll get everything I need, and he'll also love me very much!”!..
Rabbi Simcha Cohen writes about this as follows: giving leads to love only when there is a sincere desire to give. In other words, “But I wasn't standing over him with a stick! He agreed, didn't he!” doesn't help. Agreement is not enough.
Everything we learn about building a family applies to me; it is not a way to manipulate, but a principle for living.
Another problem with “knowing how to give” concerns people who love doing good and constantly work selflessly for their loved ones ... Yet this brings happiness neither to them nor to their family.
Very recently, I worked with a couple in which the husband said: “I do everything. I'm responsible for everything. I earn the money. I look after her health. Do you think she's grateful? She doesn't even want to obey me!”
And his wife replied: “I do a lot, too! You don't see it! And you're always putting PRESSURE on me!”
Another case. The woman sitting before me is a classic mix of utter exhaustion and frenetic energy. “Everything falls on me! I'm carrying it all completely on my own! He can't just do what I tell him! I'm completely alone in life...” Her husband sits opposite, hunched over, quietly mumbling: “...But I'm not against it... I'm not arguing...”
Even the best impulses can spring from sources that are not the purest.
For example, the problem both families faced was not compassion, but hidden competition. The need to prove who is better, stronger, who gets to decide.
There is always an element of competition in a family. Think of a husband who is showing guests a shelf he made. His wife immediately joins him: “And the idea was mine, wasn't it, darling?” What matters here is keeping it in proportion.
A wife who went fishing with her husband tells a friend: —You see, I did everything wrong. I spoke too loudly, brought the wrong bait, cast in the wrong place, got bites the wrong way, set the hook the wrong way, and, to top it all off, caught more fish than he did. (A joke?)
It turns out that by giving, we can easily humiliate someone. Hurt them. Provoke alienation and resistance instead of gratitude.
If a person is created “in the image of G-d,” then his essence is to do good. In giving, a person feels that he is truly alive. But what is he supposed to feel when receiving?
But if there is no one for whom we can do good, there will be no goodness...
So what matters is not the act of “giving,” but how to give and how to receive.
To be continued