Amira Shain
Sometimes we look for work for months, even years, without finding it. Time flies, and we sigh: “It’s all about connections,” “They don’t like Russians/religious people,” “I’m too young/too old,” “No one wants to hire an inexperienced young woman/a mother with children,” and so on. We seem to be justifying what is happening, explaining it to ourselves in terms of “natural” causes.
Yet sometimes we ourselves “push away” opportunities for employment.
Today I want to talk about this. Why does it happen? Perhaps, deep down, we want something else—to put our energy into our own children, our home? And before plunging back into the search for a job, perhaps we need to understand why we want to work so badly? Apart from the money, of course. What makes us suffer when we do not have a job?
First of all, it seems, we want to go out to work to prove to ourselves and those around us that “I’m worth something.” Some of us find it easier to measure our worth by the salary we earn or the importance of our position. And in this way to “earn” love. This feeling that we must try very hard to earn love is false, mistaken at its very core.
In one of my next articles, I will try to write about why we work so hard to “earn” the love of those around us.
What, then, gives rise to our desire to go out to work?
- We worry about ourselves and our loved ones. Of course, “If I am not for myself…” “If I don’t do this, what will happen?..”
- We take responsibility for everything—including earning a living.
- We seek satisfaction and happiness. We choose the path we became accustomed to at school, from childhood: study diligently, and success will come; then you will feel satisfaction, happiness, the sense that I am worth something.
Now we can look at the other side:
- Something inside me says: I am tired of proving that I am worth something.
- I want to be loved simply for myself, without any effort on my part; after all, little children are loved without having to earn it.
- I want to live my life without having to prove anything to anyone, even myself.
- I do not want to take responsibility for anything that is not my duty; I want to be pampered and cared for.
Inner happiness, deep joy, and satisfaction cannot come from outside.
A woman will never be satisfied by external successes and achievements, such as a career. A career can only be a pleasant backdrop, never the main thing.
How do we react to a “success story” like this: “Sarah devoted her entire life to her business, started from scratch, and made millions. She was respected and admired. She never married and has no children.” Our hearts ache with pity!
Or take another story: “Mira lived in terrible poverty all her life. She was married to a wonderful man, and they lived together in harmony. She raised children. She enjoyed the company of her grandchildren and great-grandchildren.”
Doesn't this story evoke a sense of warmth, fulfillment in life, and simple happiness as a woman?
For contrast, I would like to give an example of a successful man. A story about a successful man is always a story of success outside the home, outside the family. When people want to describe a man who has succeeded in life, they describe his standing in society, career advancement, a prominent position, or other achievements, such as writing books on Jewish law and commentaries on the Torah.
Men have the commandment to “conquer the earth.” Our careers as women are directed, for the most part, into the depths of our feminine souls and take shape within the home; what matters in them is warm, positive relationships with our husbands, our families, and, of course, ourselves.
As for other people's responsibilities, which we tend to take upon ourselves.
We women dream of leaning on a strong man's shoulder. So why don't we always trust? Why do we interfere and make critical remarks, like a mother speaking to a little boy? Instead of speaking as a wife to a mature, sensible, responsible husband. After all, we married someone we could rely on.
I think this is where the reason for our subconscious resistance to work outside the home lies. When our home is filled with love, when peace reigns there, when we put our energy into it, when it is our main concern, then work comes along too—exactly the kind we dreamed of, allowing us to fulfill ourselves and show our abilities. Suddenly, everything begins to fit together like a jigsaw puzzle.
Naturally, there will be different periods, ups and downs, and it is important to be gentler with ourselves.
A man is decisive and strong; he pushes forward. A woman is gentle and warm; she gives her husband and children the opportunity to grow and develop, even in the simplest physical sense: during pregnancy. What is required of a woman during pregnancy for her baby's health? To rush headlong in a frenzy, worrying about where to find more money. Or to eat healthy meals at regular times, rest, avoid overexertion, stay in good spirits—in other words, simply be healthy, well cared for, and cheerful?
Of course, I too run around during pregnancy, chasing after my young children. But I wanted to emphasize that our contribution and our responsibility are, above all, to be there for them—gentle, strong, and healthy.