Rebbetzin Esther Offengenden
And yet— where is love hiding? How can we find it?
To answer this question, we need to explain what makes the Jewish understanding of love different. First, it is important to note the distinction between love and respect.
I think the subject of respect, of showing respect, is very relevant in every family.
One of the most frequent questions I am asked is: What does it mean to respect your husband? What does it mean to respect your wife? And how often I hear—
“And what is there to respect him for?!”
“I'm willing to love her, but respect her!!!”
And how do you show your respect?
“I respect him so much in my heart, but for some reason he doesn't notice it!”
We know that the days of Sefirat HaOmer are special, given to us by the Almighty specifically to work on our character traits. Working on our ability to respect people, especially those closest to us, and to make them feel important, needed, and special is a very difficult task, one worth devoting at least some of the time of Sefirat HaOmer to. This is both because insufficient respect for one another led to the deaths of 24 thousand of the Jewish people's greatest sages during these very days, and because this task is so difficult.
They say that the yetzer hara knows exactly when to work hard. If the gain is small, it is not worth the effort. But if a mistake or sin it can lure us into will bring it great dividends—and therefore bring us great losses and problems—it is prepared to make an effort. Accordingly, the very thing we experience as an especially difficult task is apparently the most important part of our work on ourselves.
So What Is Respect?
Our Sages explain that the two basic principles that make close relationships between people possible are love and respect. The Almighty created us in such a way that everyone needs other people. Respect is— the main channel that allows us to draw on one another. None of us is simultaneously a doctor, a plumber, a scientist, and a rabbi, although all these professions are necessary for each person's survival. We can think of each of us as a closed system, with certain abilities predominating. Respect is the wiring that lets us draw on other people's abilities and skills, which we cannot do without. For example, however ill a person may be and however professional the doctor, the doctor will never be able to help that person if there is no mutual respect and trust between them.
Therefore, to respect another person, we need to get to know him, to see what is special about him and how he differs from us—that is precisely what is most valuable.
You can respect a person only for qualities he actually possesses. I often play this game with groups of women: everyone writes phrases on slips of paper such as, “I respect you for your ... intelligence, beauty, attractiveness.” Then they crumple them into little balls and throw them at one another. Now imagine that several of these balls have landed in your lap. You open them and read, “I respect you for your extraordinary intelligence.” You know that the writers were not writing about you and have no idea how intelligent you are. You are unlikely to feel positive emotions as you read this. It is unlikely to help, support, delight, or inspire you.
To put it briefly, the most important thing for respect is to know the person you respect.
His strengths, abilities, and achievements. It is impossible to respect someone in the abstract. For example, someone wants to show you respect, to say something pleasant, and says:
- You're so intelligent!
Or:
- You're always so eager to help!
Many people will feel uncomfortable after hearing such a remark; some will even feel ashamed. They might respond along these lines:
- Are you making fun of me?!
...One woman was terribly indignant at the imperfections of this world, where no one could be trusted.
“I walk away from the mirror in utter misery and sorrow,” she recounted, “and a colleague comes toward me saying, ‘Oh, you look so good today!’”
to be continued