Rebbetzin Leah Gans
Love Grows with Your Child
Babies simply beg to be hugged and kissed. Their first little tooth, their cooing—all of it delights their parents, and those satiny cheeks simply beg to be kissed. Babies bask in love.
But how can we show our love to older children?
A teenage yeshiva student comes home for Shabbat. His mother has not seen him for some time. How can she show her love? She prepares the food he likes. She also tells him: “I've been looking forward to seeing you so much! You haven't been home for so long! Look, I made your favorite food especially for you! I put in the effort just for you!”
You need to sit down with him and talk. If he is already a young adult who does not come home very often, you need to stay in constant touch with him and be ready for a long phone conversation if necessary.
My brother's wife is a very busy woman, but I see that all her children (most of whom have families of their own) are very attached to her. I asked how she had managed this. She replied that she had always put her children first. Whoever called her, even someone from work, and even when she had made the call herself, if she saw that her children were calling, she would apologize and end the conversation so she could talk to them. The children felt this. Later, too, when married couples visited her, everything else was set aside, and she was there only with them and for them. This attitude was not spontaneous. She put a great deal of effort into it and thought carefully about her approach. The result is a very warm relationship with all her children.
Unconditionally
A child is in good standing at preschool if they do well at their tasks, do not misbehave, and do not hurt other children. At school, a child is treated well if they are a top student, help out, volunteer, behave well, and are sociable. So many conditions!
Home is the place where a child can receive love unconditionally. We show that we love them regardless of whether they have put their things away, done well on an exam, or washed the dishes.
If a child misbehaves, their mother may say: “Now I won't read to you at bedtime,” but she must never say: “Now I don't love you.” We love our child even when they misbehave. Of course, when a child climbs onto a cabinet despite being told not to and breaks a vase, their mother does not say: “I love you.” She may express displeasure, but even if she is angry, that does not change her love for her child. Love should be our constant attitude toward our children!
“I Need You”
A child is not yet emotionally and physically mature enough to encourage themselves. At a certain age, a child begins to ask: “Does anyone need me? Am I good for anything? Why am I here?” This may not be a clear thought, but merely a feeling. As a rule, the child is not yet mature enough to answer these questions and cannot support themselves. Even an adult finds this difficult, but a child simply cannot say this to themselves.
The people who must constantly tell a child this—“We need you. You are very important to us. We are glad you were born into our family”—are the parents. It is very good if every child, especially in a large family, hears from their parents every day that they are loved and very much needed.
If a family has “difficult children”—the ones who are always climbing, throwing things, breaking things, fighting, and biting—naturally, they are constantly scolded. They are harder to love. Such children ask themselves even more often who needs them at home, because all they ever hear is what else they have done wrong. This is a very dangerous situation; it is destructive. At home, the child constantly feels that they are bad and are not accepted, yet they want to be good! Then they may go looking for a group that will accept them as they are…
Love First
When the prophets needed to rebuke the Jewish people, they always began with words of love on behalf of the Almighty, followed by words of reproach. Even in the Torah, before the laws are described, it says (Deuteronomy, 4:37): “And because He loved your forefathers.” Even when He reproves them, the Almighty calls the Jews “My beloved sons.”
We know the principle: “Just as He is merciful, so should you be merciful.” We should therefore adopt the approach to upbringing that the L-rd follows: love first. Before addressing a child, we should feel that we are addressing someone we love.
To be continued
Prepared by — Mrs. Zissi Skarzhinskaya