Rabbi Simcha Cohen
The misunderstanding that arises between a husband and wife when their expectations of one another conflict is complete.
They literally do not understand each other. A woman often complains: “Why is it that whenever I tell my husband about the baby who cried nonstop, the burnt porridge, or the spilled soup, he responds: ‘Forget this nonsense; it's nothing!’ Why doesn't he take what I tell him seriously?” It never even occurs to her that he has no intention at all of dismissing her or what is happening to her.
On the contrary, he wants to help her and lessen her suffering. By calling her problems “nothing,” what he really wants to tell her is: “I'm sorry that this worries you and weighs on you. Nothing has actually happened that is worth spending your nerves and energy on.” But what she needs is precisely her husband's acknowledgment that something distressing has happened to her. Instead, she hears the opposite: nothing serious has happened, and they can move on to the next subject.
A husband's proper response should have two stages.
At the first stage, he needs to express sympathy for his wife's problems: your pain is very severe. You are very tired, and that is difficult. It really is very hot today. At the next stage, after some time has passed, he should begin a conversation with her about steps that could ease these difficulties. He should approach her as a partner who listens to her concerns and problems, rather than as someone lecturing her. In this way, the husband will meet her needs: express sympathy for her difficulties, offer her his support as a man, and try to find a solution to her problems together.
Who Should Meet the Other Halfway?
You might ask: since a husband needs to see his wife happy and hear from her that she feels good and is enjoying herself, while she, on the other hand, needs to complain to him that she is struggling and suffering, which of them should offer a compromise to resolve this conflict of interests?
Should the husband act in accordance with his wife's needs and agree with her, or should the wife perhaps restrain herself and stop the flow of negativity that her husband finds unpleasant?
In this case, it is clear that it is the husband who can and must rise above his own feelings and give his wife the opportunity to complain and voice her problems, listen attentively, and express understanding. It is important to know that women who have no opportunity to talk about their problems may become depressed.
Therefore, when a wife tells her husband about her difficulties and problems, he needs to respond appropriately and acknowledge that the facts she describes do indeed indicate real difficulties. Moreover, he should even exaggerate the problem to a certain extent.
Let us return to the previous example. When a wife says, “I'm tired,” the right and proper response from her husband would be: “There is no doubt that you get very tired at work. I think that if I had to do everything you do every day, I would have had a nervous breakdown long ago.” When she complains about the unbearable heat, it is important for her husband to acknowledge her feelings and even intensify the description of her difficulties in his own words. For example: “Yes, it really is very hot today; I think this is one of the hottest days of the season.”
If she complains of physical or emotional suffering, it is very important that no hint of minimizing her suffering creep into his response.
On the contrary, he should heighten his assessment somewhat: “That really is very painful and especially unpleasant.” When she describes her problems with the children or at work, it is important for her husband to agree that her negative feelings are warranted and proportionate to the difficulties she has to face.
Sometimes, when a husband begins to emphasize and exaggerate her difficulties and suffering, his wife may instead “reverse course” and say that things are not so terrible: “I do feel rather hot today, but it's all right—we'll get through it,” or “I'm in pain, but it isn't anything new or unfamiliar; it will pass,” “Yes, I really do find things difficult with the children, but they are actually very sweet; thank G-d we have such wonderful children.”
Her statements that her suffering is not as terrible as her husband says are not empty words: his moral support really has lessened her suffering.
Psychological studies have shown that the level of suffering decreases significantly when a person who is suffering receives attention, sympathy, and concern.
If a husband comes home knowing that his wife was feeling unwell in the morning, he should take the initiative and ask how she is feeling before she begins to complain. His sincere interest in her will not only help her overcome her difficulties, but also make it easier for him to listen to her problems if she describes them in response to his question.
Some men may find these suggestions—to accept and acknowledge the difficulties their wives are experiencing—contrary to logic.
Their instinctive feeling is: “If I agree with my wife that she feels bad, she will feel even worse; my words will only intensify her feelings.” Or: “If I acknowledge that there is a valid reason for her tiredness, she will feel even more tired.” But experience shows that the result will be the exact opposite: the more a woman feels that her husband accepts and acknowledges her feelings, the easier things become for her. A husband really must agree that she is having a hard time.
But the relationship will not be ideal if the wife, for her part, makes no effort to restrain herself and talks about her problems and disappointments without any limits, even in situations where she should not do so.
It is therefore important to know that she should not tell her husband about problems the moment he enters the house, or while he is doing something for the home or the family. Nor during moments of joy and friendly warmth. On the contrary, a wife should remember that he wants to hear how good she feels, how content and happy she is.