Rebbetzin Esther Offengenden
Financial problems often become a source of conflict. For example, I received this question:
Is it true that in Haredi society, it is not customary for a woman to earn more than her husband?
First, let us answer the question directly: no.
It is not true. To some extent, it is even nonsense. Imagine, for example, that a wife wants to take on the responsibility of supporting the family so that her husband can devote himself entirely to Torah study. Is it possible in such a situation for “the woman not to earn more than her husband”?
Or take a typical family of avreichim—the wife’s salary will certainly never be less than her husband’s kollel stipend...
As in any other society, Haredi society includes different kinds of families: either the woman or the man may earn more, and they may also earn the same amount. During a crisis, it may even be acceptable to have no earnings temporarily.
In Haredi society, the responsibility for earning a living rests with the husband.
How does he put that responsibility into practice? Whether the family decides that the man will earn a living, “juggle gemach loans,” receive help from his wife, or use some other method is a decision for each individual family.
In fact, this question is very... un-“Haredi.” Let us recall the story of Rabbi Akiva and his wife. When he left to study, Rachel not only lived alone and supported the entire family, but also sold her hair to send him money. Or the story of Ikar and his grandmother. Or the little shop run by the Chofetz Chaim’s wife—he did not allow her to open the shop in the afternoon, so as not to create competition. There are hundreds of such stories in every generation.
The point is that money is a subject surrounded by clichés, and very contradictory ones at that.
It would be interesting to examine what we think about money and how closely those ideas reflect reality. For example:
Money is dirty.
You can never have too much money.
He who pays the piper calls the tune.
The husband is the head of the family because he is the breadwinner.
And then our familiar ideas—which are certainly not Haredi!—our fears, and the myths we grew up with begin to play an important but very negative role in family relationships.
Add to this the fact that money is a subject people are not supposed to discuss.
Unseemly. Uncultured.
A study conducted in America showed just how much people do not talk about money. It turned out, for example, that employers can quite easily pay completely different salaries to people who not only do the same work, but even sit in the same room, because they will never find out—after all, people do not talk about money.
In a family, conversations about money are unavoidable. But is the subject actually discussed, or are there only orders, expressions of hurt and criticism, and a buildup of dissatisfaction and misunderstanding?
I have met families whose problems surfaced when the wife began earning more than her husband.
You would think—how wonderful! There will be fewer financial difficulties, the wife can feel successful, and the husband can be happy for her.
...Suddenly, those very clichés surface for both of them—wait! Who is in charge at home? Can I/he be respected without bringing money into the home? Who is the breadwinner? Who “calls the tune”?
And it turns out that the issue is not money, but power, responsibility, and control.
Add the difficulty of discussing this openly and calmly—and there is your conflict.
Another situation is also possible. Discussing money is so unusual in the family that everything ends up resting on one person’s shoulders; somehow, things just “turned out that way”—and no one knows what to do.
Money can be counted. But what matters is not how much money we have, but who we see ourselves as and how we feel within our family.
There are the husband’s responsibilities and the wife’s responsibilities.
There are the husband’s abilities and the wife’s abilities.
There are the husband’s actual opportunities and the wife’s actual opportunities.
There is life, which moves on, changes, and presents new challenges.
In a Haredi family, the husband and wife have established roles. Established—not bought. We try to walk through life together, and who is doing better at work is not the most important factor.
You can try a few exercises:
- On a sheet of paper, write down as many proverbs, sayings, and ideas about money as you can.
- Find the ones that contradict each other. (For example, “Money cannot buy happiness” and “happiness is being healthy and wealthy”).
- Underline the statements that you and your partner believe.
- Take it as an axiom that every opinion contains an element of truth. Try discussing the ideas on which you disagree.
Good luck!
to be continued