Rabbi Moshe Gans
Coercion Works Only Under Supervision
Rav Moshe Gans writes in his book “Helping Without Breaking” (“La'azor Bli Lishbor”) that, first of all, motivation cannot be “negative.” What does this mean? If our goal is for a child to want to take part in an activity we would like to involve him in, coercion will not help. Coercion creates only one desire—to abandon the activity as soon as his parents are out of sight (leave the room). And then nothing will keep the child from doing as he pleases.
This brings to mind how Rav Shimshon David Pincus explained the nature of our transgressions. A child gets into mischief as soon as his mother turns away. He thinks that his mother cannot see him, so he can do what he is not allowed to do when she is there. We think in exactly the same way: the Almighty “does not see,” “is not present,” and so we commit transgressions.
When Rabbi Yochanan ben Zakkai was dying, his students asked him to bless them. Rabbi Yochanan said: “May it be the will of the L-rd that your fear of G-d be as strong as your fear of people!” The students asked: “Is that enough?” “Oh, may G-d grant that it be so!” Rabbi Yochanan replied. “You know, a person committing a crime keeps saying just one thing: ‘If only no one notices what I have done’” (Berakhot, 28b). If a person were constantly aware of the Almighty's presence beside him, he would be unable to sin…
Inner Desire
What, then, should we do if a parent is not always with his child, and will be with him less and less as the child grows older? We want proper behavior to be driven by the child's own will. Our great teachers teach us that inner desire has the most lasting influence on a person.
Rav Moshe Gans writes about this, quoting Rabbeinu Yonah's commentary on Pirkei Avot: “‘If I am not for myself, who will be for me?’ (1:14). If I do not reason with myself and am not diligent in fulfilling the mitzvot, who (in my place) will persuade me and spur me on?
After all, an awakening from outside is helpful only for a time. But (it is better) for a person to awaken himself and to give further thought each day to how to carry out his service (before) the Almighty, for one whose heart (itself) desires does not forget. This is the straight path for a person.
Since it is very important for a person to know how to motivate himself, our Sages offer advice on how to learn this: ‘Where there are no people, strive to be a person’ (2:5). Where there are no people who can encourage you to fulfill the mitzvot and bring you to your senses, strive on your own to be a person and restrain yourself from actions that would not be right in the eyes of the Almighty.”
External influence has a whole range of negative consequences.
Another person's will, even when driven by the best of intentions, is a will foreign to the child, and he will resist it. There is then a danger of “breaking” the child, of breaking his own will. Afterward, he will carry out the tasks his parents set out of fear or automatically, protecting himself from being broken even further. In such a case, the child is unlikely to feel positively about what he has been forced to do.
The most you can gain in such a situation is to win the immediate battle, while losing in the long run.
Positive motivation gives a child strength because it builds on his self-respect and develops his responsibility and independence. Instead of imposing an instruction from outside, we build a connection with the child and draw him toward a shared goal so that it becomes his own as well. Ideally, it will be even more his than ours. That connection allows us to motivate rather than pressure or force him.
Prepared by Mrs. Zissi Skarzhinskaya, based on Rav Moshe Gans's book “Helping Without Breaking”To be continued