Rabbi Moshe Gans
The First Method. Praise
Praise has a positive effect on anyone—for example, it improves their mood. It gives importance to the action performed and increases a person's self-respect. A child's self-respect should be nurtured from an early age by showing him how important he is to us and how important his good deeds are. A lack of self-respect causes envy and hatred. A person who respects himself will not behave badly—it is beneath his dignity.
Instead of catching a child “red-handed,” catch him when he has done something good—washed his cup himself, put his shoes away without a reminder, or packed his schoolbag the night before. Because praise evokes positive emotions, the child will want to experience them again—and will repeat the good deed. And we will again respond positively, until the behavior becomes established.
Parents often take their children's good behavior for granted and believe there is no need to praise them for it.
But if a child does not see that we recognize the importance of his action, he may stop doing it, because he does not yet understand the importance of its purpose. If a child needs to attract our attention and doing something good has not worked, he will try doing something bad. That is why we need to notice everything good, even the smallest change for the better, and sincerely praise our children. We should also “overlook” mistakes if the child really tried.
We need to make sure that praise is sincere, explains exactly what we liked about the child's action (include our own feelings), increases his self-respect (do not compare him with others), and does not downplay the difficulty of the task (“See how easy it is—even you managed it!”).
Appropriate praise is a very useful supporting tool. It creates a positive image of a successful child in his own eyes. When tackling the next task, the child will subconsciously remember that he succeeded last time.
Prepared by Mrs. Zissi Skarzhinskaya, based on Rav Moshe Gans's book “Helping Without Breaking”To be continued