Rabbi Moshe Gans
The Fourth Method. Constructive Criticism
No one likes criticism, because it makes a person feel that he is not good enough. At the same time, parents have a duty to criticize their children's actions—but that criticism must be constructive. Rabbeinu Yonah explains that a person must instruct his son on the basis of his belief that there is hope for improvement, but not through shouting and protests.
King Solomon says (Proverbs, 19:20): “Listen to counsel and accept instruction, so that you may become wise in the future,” and (Proverbs, 15:5): “A fool despises his father's instruction, but whoever heeds rebuke becomes wise.” Constructive criticism produces lasting results when delivered properly.
“Every way of a man is right in his own eyes…” That is why it is so hard to leave the beaten path, and why doing so provokes so much resistance. Moreover, a person generally turns a blind eye to his own shortcomings, and if he is well aware of them, he hides them. When they are pointed out to him, his first reaction is rejection and denial. After all, this diminishes him in his own eyes and wounds his pride.
Therefore, before criticizing, we need to think carefully about how to avoid wounding the child's pride—in other words, first build him up in his own eyes. From a position of strength and invulnerability (confidence that there is no danger), a person can more easily accept criticism of “minor shortcomings.” In the Torah portion Kedoshim (19:17), it is written: “You shall surely rebuke your fellow, and not bear sin because of him.” In other words, above all, he is your fellow, he is dear to you, and in criticizing him you are not hurting him, but bringing him closer.
Once we have managed to build the child up, we can offer criticism, focusing on solving the problem rather than on the problem itself. Parents often vent their anger on a child, forgetting that their task is to correct the misbehavior. Simply scolding a child for misbehaving will not help him move toward a solution or do better next time, so it is more productive to discuss ways to improve and possible solutions to the problem.
We do not always need to offer guidance at the moment of misbehavior, when we are overwhelmed by emotion and the child may be overwhelmed too—and will not hear us. Sometimes we need to wait for a suitable moment. And under no circumstances should we offer admonition in front of outsiders.
The child's character should be left out of the discussion; we will criticize the action, not the child himself. We respect and value him, and certainly do not want to hurt him.
Prepared by Mrs. Zissi Skarzhinskaya, based on Rav Moshe Gans's book “Helping Without Breaking”