Rabbi Moshe Gans
The Third Method. Persuasion
Professional marketers have a saying: “People buy two things: pleasant feelings and solutions to their problems.” If we can convince a child that by acting in a certain way he will solve his problems or feel good, he will be able to change his mind and do things “our way.”
If a child likes his teacher, he is willing to accept even unpleasant instructions from him. A parent who can create a pleasant atmosphere, encourage openness in conversation with the child, and establish a connection will be able to convince the child that the parent is right.
Everyone is primarily interested in solving his own problems and meeting his own needs. Rav Eliyahu Dessler writes about this: “Everyone is more interested in his own needs than in you, so show him the point at which your interests and his coincide. Do not try to get him to do it (for you), but let him want to do it (for himself), and (then he) will be happy to have done it… Do not talk much about yourself; talk to your friend about him, and he will be interested in listening” (“Michtav MeEliyahu,” 4:244).
If we do not know what our child needs, we should begin as professional marketers do: first test the market to find out what potential customers need—in other words, listen to the child himself! Once we know this, we can “sell” our product—that is, explain to the child how our proposal can help him solve his problem or meet his needs. It must be something the child really needs. This approach could look like deception if only the parents made a “profit” from it. But in this case, the benefit is mutual; parents and children are on the same side. [In doing so, it is of course essential to avoid lying—Ed.]
If the child agrees with us only in part, the parent may need to show some flexibility and set wider boundaries for the child. But in the long term, this is still progress toward the goal.
Sometimes, as a form of advertising, a familiar task that has become tiresome needs a new name. For example, instead of “Math Problems,” we can say “Math Puzzles.” Puzzles are interesting and not intimidating—something worth trying. Household chores can be renamed “Household Mitzvot,” “Task Quest,” and so on. The main thing is to explain to the child that the task is not intimidating at all, is well within his abilities, gives him nothing to fear, and is even interesting.
Persuasion involves dialogue. This is a very important stage, when the main thing is to listen to the child. We can also let him “try on” an idea that is new to him for a while. And respect his choice if the idea is objectively unsuitable.
Prepared by Mrs. Zissi Skarzhinskaya, based on Rav Moshe Gans's book “Helping Without Breaking”To be continued