Motivation - What About Obedience?

What About Obedience?

What about obedience? you may ask. Rav Moshe Gans answers: obedience is an integral part of a Jew's life according to the Torah. Even when a Jew does not understand the meaning or value of a particular mitzvah, and even if he disagrees with it, he must fulfill it. By the same principle, children must obey their parents without question, even if they do not understand why this is required of them.

Here we come up against a contradiction with what was said above: motivating means helping a child understand the importance of a goal and nurturing his desire to work toward it, whereas obedience means that a child must do what his parents require, even if he disagrees and does not understand the importance of the goal. What should we do?

In Keeping with the Child's Nature

Ideally, a child should indeed see his parents as an authority he must obey: his father is a king, and his mother a queen. But some children find this very difficult to accept. They are rebellious by nature, overly independent, and respond to their parents' requests and demands only after many repetitions, shouting, or punishment. King Solomon says: “Train a youth according to his way, and he will not depart from it even when he grows old” (Mishlei, 22:6).

Such children need a different approach, one that takes their nature into account.

Even if parents manage to “break” a child's nature and force him to comply, such children will return to their natural path as soon as a parent turns away. It is precisely these children whom we need to find a way to reach and motivate, even to become obedient. [Editor's note. At the end of Tractate Sotah, the subject of ikveta de-Meshicha—the period before the coming of Mashiach—is discussed. Children's rebellion against their parents is one of the manifestations of that period, the time in which we live.]

Conversely, some children are obedient by nature, but only while their parents are nearby.

They do not understand the importance of the goal behind their actions, and as soon as their parents stop telling them what to do, they stop acting. With such children, there is no need to demand obedience; instead, we need to develop their understanding of the importance of the goal they achieve through their actions.

Parents may think that by setting obedience aside, they will lose the reins of control. Yet the opposite is true: if their demands for obedience are already going unanswered, clearly they have no real authority. Some children do not mind being obedient, but may react sharply negatively to their parents' demand that they obey. Yet they will cooperate if the incentive is positive. Motivation gives a parent as much authority as the child in shaping the child's short-term and long-term goals.

Preparing the Parent

The key is to understand that the greatest changes must take place within the parent: allowing yourself to see your child as an individual—someone you respect, a person who matters to you, whom you are willing to hear out, and whom you are always willing to take the first step toward. You need to accept that every child needs his own approach to upbringing, and that you will have to devote time to finding that approach.

You will need to build a trusting relationship with your child so that he feels an atmosphere of acceptance (of him and his decisions). A parent will have to learn restraint—not to follow his first reaction, but to think through his responses. [Editor's note. We should point out that this is extremely important for parents' own character development as well!] Having done this work on yourself, you can begin using motivational methods.

Prepared by Mrs. Zissi Skarzhinskaya, based on Rav Moshe Gans's book “Helping Without Breaking”

To be continued