Lea Odelia
There was nothing Jewish about our Jewish family. Except our ethnicity, of course :)
I had faith. I do not know where it came from, but a world without G-d always seemed utterly absurd to me. Even as a child, I chose friends who were believers (Christians, of course). I envied them… They went to church on holidays, and sometimes just to pray. I knew that Christians had a religious wedding ceremony, traditions, spirituality! And we had nothing! Well, of course I had heard that there was a Torah, but I was told that Judaism was very cruel and was not for us, and anyway, “What kind of Jews are we? We live here and became Russian a long time ago!” At the same time, getting baptized was absolutely out of the question! Why? Admittedly, no one forbade me to go to church; they just chuckled... It hurt to realize that I was living in a vacuum. I thought our people had been deprived.
I did not want to be Jewish, and there was nothing I could do about it. As if that were not enough, I also had to endure antisemitic remarks and insults. I hated myself for having been born!
I finished school, went to university, and everything followed the usual course… That was what one was supposed to do… Then, as I finished university, something began to change… I was required to begin teaching, which I desperately did not want to do. The university assigned graduates to jobs, and you could avoid that by providing a letter from some educational institution saying they were supposedly expecting you…
So my grandmother asked her colleague’s husband for help; he also happened to be the principal of a Jewish school. We actually managed to get the letter elsewhere. But the respected principal decided to help the granddaughter of his old acquaintances (who had also graduated with honors) by offering her a teaching position…
Oy vey! You have no idea what that was like! NO! NO! And NO again!
—That was my response to the generous offer (I should mention that I was being greatly honored, because they did not hire complete beginners, and the salary was several times what state institutions paid).
Me? In a school? As a teacher? I had earned my master’s degree with honors! I had even been teaching at the university at the same time! My thesis topic was something no one in our department had ever tackled! And now a school? A Jewish one, at that?! Everyone would figure out that I was Jewish (if they did not know already)! And I had been running away from that my whole life!!! Anyway, I will not go into detail about the tears and psychological pressure I was subjected to :). I was unable to find a suitable job at the time. In short, I decided to start work—for a couple of months, no more!
My first staff meeting left an indelible impression on me… I saw Jews!!!
(All our Jewish friends had moved away to various places when I was a child. At some point, I became the only Jewish girl in my class, and later in my university group). These people, many of whom looked distinctly Jewish, seemed like dinosaurs to me. I truly had no idea they existed in my city. I am ashamed to admit it, but it was hard for me to look at them, because subconsciously I understood that at some point I would have to look at myself…
Then another job came along. I worked at the school in the mornings and on the other side of town in the afternoons, so I would have somewhere to escape to… But. Something made me change my mind. The atmosphere, perhaps? This school was the first place in my life where I did not have to be embarrassed about being Jewish. Perhaps I could even be proud of it? Well, that came later ;-).
But back then, for someone like me, who did not know her right from her left, that was enough...
My observant colleagues (Israelis) belonged to another world as far as I was concerned. And I had no intention of getting any closer to that world. Besides, I knew I would have to find a new job at the end of the year, because the woman I was filling in for would be returning from maternity leave. Yes, there was some seminar that year… It lasted a couple of days… During the lectures, I was horrified by what I heard, but some of it was interesting :).
Well, after working there for a year, I was ready to leave the place with a clear conscience! But He had other plans…
to be continued