Rabbi Simcha Cohen
Needs Create Bonds
The sense of “need” is one of the most important characteristics of the psyche.
One could say that there is hardly a moment in our lives when we do not experience an emotional, spiritual, financial, or material need. The need to make up for what is lacking is the driving force behind society and the economy, and it is precisely this need that pushes and compels a person to make an effort to obtain what they lack.
The need to escape the oppressive state of loneliness, together with the desire to find a life partner, is one of the most common needs people have. It drives people of every nation and race to start a family. And we Jews, in addition to the natural inclination all people have toward family life, also have a specific commandment to marry. We should recognize that it is not one single need that ultimately brings a person under the chuppah, but a whole complex of different and varied needs.
These additional needs include the desire to be part of society, to belong to a particular nation, religion, community, group, and family. Moreover, everyone has certain personal needs that are difficult to meet on their own, so they decide to join their life with another person who can help them do so.
But unlike the generally accepted view discussed above—that a person connects with society in order to meet their needs—Judaism holds that the order is reversed: needs are built into the human psyche in order to compel people to form bonds with others and with G-d. After all, if absolutely all of a person's needs were met, they would not seek a connection with G-d or with the people around them.
Everyone needs food, water, sleep, emotional support, expressions of affection, and friendships. This set of needs becomes a system that binds a person—consciously or subconsciously—to those who can meet their needs. A person in need is more attached to their spouse than to other people because they assume that their spouse can meet their needs better than anyone else.
This situation is more than a social reality; the Torah mentions it explicitly: the answer to “It is not good for man to be alone” is “I will make him a helper suited to him.”
Although all higher animals were created in pairs, the bond between male and female is intended only to ensure that animals of that species continue to exist in the world. By contrast, the bond between a man and a woman exists not only to perpetuate the human race, but also to provide the mutual support each of them needs. Therefore, family life will succeed if each spouse focuses on meeting the other spouse's needs and requirements.
Human needs fall into two main groups. The first includes the necessities of life, such as food, sleep, shelter, and clothing. These basic needs are clear and understandable to everyone, and no one disputes their necessity.
The second group includes all other needs—things necessary for a person to live comfortably, but not essential to their survival. Since these needs are not vital necessities, different people—and spouses in particular—have a whole spectrum of differing opinions about how important they are and where they rank on a scale of values. A particular need may be a top priority for one person and secondary for another.
What makes the marital relationship unique is that each spouse both receives and gives, meets their own needs and provides for their partner's needs.
Each wants to give their spouse the very best and to receive the very best themselves. There is also a natural need to care for another person's needs. Paradoxically, it is precisely this expression of goodwill that creates a serious problem in the relationship: how do we decide what counts as the very best? Each spouse has their own standards and a different scale of values, shaped by their habits and patterns of thought, which mostly differ from those of other people.
We should remember that a person considers a particular need important and valuable not because of scientific research or sociological surveys, but because “that's how they feel.” In other words, when a person wants a particular thing, its absence creates an unpleasant feeling. When they obtain what they have been striving for, making up for that lack awakens feelings of joy. Their desires therefore seem to them to be true needs rather than luxuries. So, when caring for their spouse, they try to provide what they themselves consider important. But their spouse does not necessarily consider it equally important, on either an emotional or a rational level.
As a result, both spouses are disappointed.
The giver is convinced that they have given their marriage partner the very best, made every effort to do so, and done it wholeheartedly. The recipient, however, expected something entirely different, and what they actually received did not meet any of their important needs. Since the recipient is certain that the things they need are truly important to everyone, rather than only to them personally, they begin to think that their spouse has a misguided scale of values. They may even conclude that their spouse does not sincerely want to care for them and meet their core needs. Interestingly, even when the recipient plainly tells the giver that they want something different, the giver often still finds it difficult to change their approach. What a pity! After all, what unites a couple more than anything else is helping each other make up for what they lack; if they can meet each other's true needs, their practical cooperation will grow and develop into a deep emotional bond.