Rabbi Shlomo Lorenz
The Steipler to Husbands - About Wives
Rav Yaakov Yisrael Kanievsky (the Steipler Gaon) warned married students: although Torah study is the most important thing in life, one must not neglect one's obligations toward others—and especially those between husband and wife.
When an avrech who was diligent in his studies asked him whether time spent helping his wife counted as time lost from Torah study, he answered: "Of course, we should be afraid of wasting time that could have been devoted to Torah, and we are obligated to minimize the time lost to Torah study as much as possible. But, on the other hand, you should know that your wife is not a slave!"
And our teacher stressed once again: "She is your wife, not a slave!"
The Steipler quoted the book "Chovot HaLevavot" ("Sha'ar Yichud HaMa'aseh," 5): "Anyone who has not taken on any voluntary duties has not fulfilled even his obligatory duties; yet voluntary duties are not accepted from someone who has not fulfilled his obligatory duties."
There are people who perform acts of kindness outside the home but neglect their obligations toward their own household, and this is not the right path.
The gaon Rav M. M. Shulzinger asked our teacher why there are very good young men, even truly outstanding ones, who fail in building a family.
The Steipler answered him: "These young men are used to studying at a shtender [bookstand]. A shtender does not respond; a shtender has no desires or feelings, it does not demand the slightest consideration—and they manage to get along with it beautifully. But they must understand that a wife is not a shtender!