Rebbetzin Esther Offengenden
- So many unmarried men dream of tenderness and affection! - And so many married men... A joke?
Most people want to live as a family. Why?
It is hard to imagine a woman sitting with her cheek resting in her hand, sighing deeply and dreaming: “Oh, how I would love to stay up at night caring for a sick child, sort through my husband's dirty socks, and clean the house every day! How romantic it is to plan finances for the whole family instead of simply buying myself every blouse I like!..” Nor is it easy to find a man eager to support a large family, who passionately loves washing dishes, hammering in nails in his free time, and constantly fixing things!
People probably don't marry for the hard work, after all. What we mainly expect from family life is closeness, tenderness, dependability, respect, acceptance, love…
In a word, — warm feelings. And yet, the greatest hunger people experience in marriage comes from a lack of warm feelings.
We easily deprive the person closest to us of respect and hope, making him feel lonely and unwanted. And so the “family boat” is wrecked—not by everyday life, as the poet thought, but by an inability to give warmth, respect, and love.
We are not created whole. Consciously or subconsciously, a person is constantly searching for a partner with whom he can feel whole. We feel this physically—we are not enough for ourselves.
A woman's greatest dream is this: “Let him love me just as I am!”
What does this mean? Most likely, what a woman is saying is: “There is a lot to me. I have good, strong, wonderful qualities—and I know perfectly well how to love myself for them. I also have troublesome, difficult sides. I simply need someone to love even those parts of me for which I don't know how to love myself.”
What does the commonplace male phrase “I expect at least some respect!” mean?
What a man is saying is: “I need to know that I am first, that I am the best—in order to live. But everywhere there is competition; there are superiors, bosses; one person ranks higher, another looks more worthy. If there is no home in my life—a place where I am the one and only, the best, and needed—where am I to find the strength?”
So what is the problem? If we want love, warmth, and understanding, how is it that these very essentials are missing?
First, the problem is that we enter marriage ready to receive warmth, to allow ourselves to be loved. In principle, we are also ready to give, to bestow warmth and love—but… later:
- If he/she (says, does, doesn't say, doesn't do)—then I will! ...
- Does someone have to take action here?
- Not me!
- Does someone have to start all this?
- Not me! I'll take my turn later. I'll respond when I'm sure that… That everything is all right.
to be continued