Rabbi Baruch Fruchter
Parenting Teenagers: Characteristics of the Transitional Years
Dedicated to the elevation of the soul of Ahuva bat Daniel
What Is a Teenager?
For most of us, the word "teenager" brings certain associations to mind: an awkward physique, sudden mood swings, rebellion, behavior that is completely incomprehensible to us adults… Half child and half adult, not yet fully aware of their role and place in this world, a growing son (or daughter) is an extremely fragile being. We should take special care in our interactions to avoid, G-d forbid, damaging the relationship for a long time or even, in some cases, for life.
Let us make clear at the outset that we consider children from 11-12 to 15-16 years old to be teenagers, allowing for slight individual differences. Chronological age may have little to do with reality: you can discuss major questions about life with your 14-year-old daughter and feel that she has the intellect of a 30-year-old adult woman, yet five minutes later that same daughter will run off to fight with her younger sister over a bag of sweets, behaving like a 7-year-old girl. It is not only those around them who experience this inner conflict; teenagers themselves feel it too. Adult and child are constantly struggling within them (with varying success), and emotional and intellectual maturation proceeds very unevenly, which explains the emotional outbursts, illogical behavior, and many other oddities.
Self-Definition
We could list many teenage problems and divide them into categories and degrees of importance, but it is hard to dispute that self-definition becomes the most important task for a growing child. Every day, over the course of several years, a teenager searches for answers to the questions that matter most to them: "Who am I?" and "What am I?" Previous articles devoted considerable attention to the importance of establishing a close emotional bond, a sense of trust, and open conversation with parents; all these are tools that can greatly ease the process of growing up and defining oneself. This works especially well in a relatively homogeneous religious society, where parents (and those closest to them) serve as the primary role models, without the need for wavering, the anguish of self-expression, or searching for one's place in the world. Yet things are not so simple: experience shows that at this stage, however much we might wish otherwise, parents are by no means unquestioned authorities.
Friends Matter Most
Parents need to understand and accept an objective reality: while growing up, children care most about earning the approval of their peers and friends. Parents' praise or disappointment takes second place, and if the group decides that white is black, that is how a teenager will see it. Any attempt to assess reality soberly (with the help of loving parents seasoned by experience, of course!) will most likely run up against an impenetrable wall of incomprehension. What matters most to a teenager is their standing in the group, their position among friends, and their friends' approval and recognition. Often this dependence lasts a lifetime, and an adult like this will always regard their success within the group as the sole measure of success.
Here it will be useful to revisit the material in previous articles and remind ourselves: the stronger the self-esteem we have helped our child develop, the greater the chance that this dependence on the group will pass along with the hormonal instability. Conversely, if the bond and trust with parents have been damaged, all the problems and insecurities of childhood can intensify during adolescence, G-d forbid, with terrifying force, and growing up will turn from a difficult phase into torment for both the child and their loved ones. It is also important to understand that, however much we might wish otherwise, we will not be able to change the group: rude children will remain rude, and fashionistas will remain fashionistas; let their parents answer to their own consciences for their lives. What matters for us is to recognize our child's feelings in time and, if necessary, try to help them find a different circle of friends (since peer approval comes first), so that the pattern of behavior they develop comes as close as possible to what we hope for.
Outward Signs of Growing Up
First, we need to understand clearly that emotional maturation is inseparably linked to physiological changes in a child's body. There is an excess of growth hormones during this period, and they seek an outlet in every possible way. Sometimes excess hormones appear on the skin—these are the so-called teenage pimples, through which the body rids itself of excess substances. These pimples are fairly easy to treat with modern cosmetic treatments and, as a rule, with proper hygiene, disappear without a trace within a month or two.
Things are more complicated for teenagers whose excess hormones do not leave through the skin's pores, but enter the bloodstream and circulate there for a while. The outward signs of this hormonal imbalance are very similar to depression, with periodic bouts of aggression, arguments, displays of insolent behavior, and so on. Sometimes parents simply do not recognize their perfect son (or daughter), who has turned into an unfamiliar monster in literally a week. It is important for these parents to understand that this, too, is a manifestation of the Almighty's plan, and this is simply how the growing body rids itself of excess hormones. This state of affairs will most likely last, with G-d's help, no longer than two or three months, and there is no need to drag the teenager to a general practitioner or give them a sedative. Remember that this condition cannot be treated; muster patience and wisdom, and ride it out.