Rebbetzin Leah Gans
The Taste of Defeat
Conversely, demanding that an overly difficult task be completed will have the opposite effect. Let’s say we have a seven-year-old girl whose mother tells her: “I’m going to lie down for a few hours after lunch. You must watch the little ones, feed them dinner, bathe them, put them in pajamas—and keep things quiet!” Most likely, most of these tasks will not be completed. If I give her a task beyond her abilities, then even if the next task I assign is much smaller—for example, watching the little ones for just 10 minutes—the girl will refuse, certain that she will fail.
Once a child has tasted defeat, even once, he will lose faith in his abilities. Defeat breeds despair. A child is not mature enough to assess the situation; he cannot tell himself: “That time, the task was too difficult. I had no chance of managing it, but now I’m being given a task I can handle.” The child will say: “Just as I couldn’t manage it then, I won’t manage it now.”
Praise Must Be Honest, but…
There is a story that illustrates the above beautifully. At a parent-teacher meeting, two boys named Avi Cohen were mixed up. One excelled in both his studies and his behavior, while the other was a troublemaker who struggled academically. The troublemaker Avi’s father was mistakenly told that his son was doing wonderfully in his studies. The father was used to hearing nothing but criticism of his son from teachers—and suddenly there was praise! When he came home, the father praised the boy and told him what he had heard from the teacher. Avi decided to live up to his father’s and teacher’s trust—and began doing well in his studies. The mix-up came to light the following semester, but by then Avi the troublemaker had also become Avi the excellent student.
In this story, everything worked out because of a misunderstanding. But as a rule, praise should be sincere. If a father praises his son by saying, “You’re the smartest! You’ll get nothing but ‘a hundred’ on the exam,” while the son’s actual abilities fall far short of that, the child will dismiss it: “Empty talk!” His father’s praise will mean nothing to him. It is better to praise a real achievement, however small, than an imagined one.
And yet sometimes the opposite happens: something that did not exist before the praise becomes a reality.
Here is another story that also led to remarkable results. One of today’s well-known medical consultants (an askan refui—someone who searches for good doctors around the world and advises people on whom to consult for a particular medical problem) was a very weak, sickly boy as a child. As a result, he had low self-esteem. He could not imagine what would become of him in the future—or what future such a frail child could have at all. One day, he went to his doctor and heard him say: “You’re strong. You have a great deal of inner strength! You’ll overcome everything! You’ll go far!” Hearing this, the boy believed every word. He was about 10 years old at the time. Over the following years, these words gave him strength. Gradually, his health improved, he began advising people on medical matters, and he founded an organization to help people who needed to consult experienced doctors. Interestingly, many years later, at another conference where this man was giving a lecture—since in certain areas he had already become almost a doctor himself—he saw that very doctor of “his.” He approached him and reminded him of the warm words he had heard at the age of 10. People, including doctors, kept coming up to him and thanking him for such a wonderful organization. He said that he owed all of it—his achievements and the good he had done in helping people—to the doctor’s words. Did the doctor remember them? With a few prompts, the doctor remembered whom he meant and smiled. “I said those words to the boy who was in my office before you. You came in just as he was leaving, and before he left, I said those words to him.” But even in this case, the praise had its effect. Judging by cases like these, we can never know how great a child’s true potential is.
What Does It Take to Praise?
A little effort. Noticing details and responding. When a small child takes his first step, he looks to see our reaction. If it is, “Well, he walked, so what?” that may be as far as he goes. But if other children or adults are standing around, and everyone is delighted, clapping and encouraging him, he will take another little step, and then another, to hear the praise.
This is all the more true of an older child. He still does not know how to tell himself, “I did well,” but he is eagerly waiting to hear it. His parents need to say it. Every child has something for which he can be praised. We only need to make the effort to find it.
Another Witness
The word idud (praise) also resembles the word od (more). In other words, a child will want to hear more praise and will therefore do another good deed.
Idud is also related to the word ed, witness. When my daughters come home after an exam, I ask: “Well, how did you do?” “I don’t know.” “But how do you feel about it?” “I don’t know. Once we get the grade, we’ll see.” The result comes back—100 points. Well, didn’t you know you would pass? No: for her, the result, the grade given by the teacher, is a witness to the fact that she knew the material. Of course, an exam is a powerful example, but every smile, admiring look and word of praise is a witness to a child’s achievements.
Destructive Words
Sometimes thoughtless words slip off our tongues and have the opposite effect: “You always break things; you’d better not touch it! You’re always late and miss classes—you’d better not sign up for duty…”
One of my daughters came to ask my advice about what role she should take in a school production: writing the script, handling costumes, singing in the choir or dancing. I blurted out: “You’d better not join the choir.” From that day on, she became convinced that she sang badly and should not even try. Although I have tried many times to persuade her otherwise, it has been in vain. She is willing to write a script, but not to sing. Anywhere.
This also works the other way around. If a girl bakes a pie that turns out very well and is praised with “You bake beautifully,” she will continue baking because she is so good at it. She will take on more difficult tasks and improve, because she “bakes beautifully”—she knows it.
Our destructive words have a powerful effect on a child, so we should think carefully about what we say. On the one hand, we are effectively giving the child a label for the future: you cannot do it. On the other hand, we want to protect the child from certain tasks. For example, a mother tries to shield her daughter, who wants to become a camp counselor: “Oh, why should you work so hard? You have neither the energy nor the time for it! You need to rest more.” The daughter takes this maternal concern at face value: I cannot do it, I am not capable; let’s leave it to girls who have more energy and abilities. This stigma stays with her for life. Yet the mother’s intentions were the very best—to protect her daughter from extra burdens!
If a child is about to take on a task beyond his abilities, we should not tell him that he will not manage it. It is better to find other words, such as, in our example: now is not a good time; Mom needs more help at home—you can go next time. The main thing is to avoid giving the child a negative view of himself.
Strength Will Emerge in Critical Situations
We know that people use only a small part of their capabilities, and in stressful situations they can bear much heavier burdens than they are used to. The same applies to children. Although we think their reserves of strength are very limited, with praise they can expand their limits and go further, reaching places we never expected them to reach.
Imagine this common situation: a mother has given birth to a baby. Her eldest daughter usually barely managed to finish all her homework each day—she also had to study for an exam with a friend, review, draw, paste things in… Suddenly, after her mother gives birth, she begins managing to finish her homework, prepare for an exam, feed the younger children, help them with their homework and put them to bed.
In other words, children have far more strength than we think, but we need to support them with praise. We need to plant in children faith in themselves and in the strength the Almighty has given them, and nourish that faith with praise.
to be continued
Prepared by Mrs. Zissi Skarzhinskaya