Rebbetzin Leah Gans
Even When Scolding, Build on the Child’s Good Qualities
In response to some misbehavior, a parent can say: “Such a good, well-mannered boy as you! I simply can’t believe you did this! It’s so unlike you!” The child is then left feeling that he is good and that such behavior really is unlike him. Conversely, the words “You’re a bad boy! You always do this!” will plunge the child into despair. He will become convinced that he is bad and continue doing bad things.
Rav Kalonymus Kalmish Shapira (the Piaseczner Rebbe) writes about rebukes expressed in the language of praise in his book “Chovat HaTalmidim”: “How beautifully the Shelah HaKadosh explains to us the path (by which we should) educate our generation! He explains the verse in Proverbs (9:8): ‘Do not rebuke a scoffer, for he will hate you; rebuke a wise man, and he will love you.’ When admonishing your fellow, do not disparage or humiliate him by saying, ‘You are a scoffer!’ For this will make him hate you, and he will not listen. Instead, admonish a wise man. Tell him, ‘You are intelligent, after all; why should you act this way?’—and he will love you and listen.”
When we approach someone and want him to listen to us without losing heart—in other words, when our goal is to support him rather than diminish him in his own eyes—we need to offer criticism in terms of praise.
For example: “You’re such a wonderful girl! Intelligent and responsible! How could you forget to dress the baby before taking her out for a walk? Now she has caught a cold! It’s unlike you to act this way.” Spoken in this tone, the girl will take it to heart and feel more motivated to do the right thing.
Worthy of Trust
Instead of scolding and punishing a child who has misbehaved, especially if the misbehavior is repeated, it often helps to show him trust and leave full responsibility to him.
This is true practical wisdom. But it takes a great deal of courage. Not every parent can give a child complete responsibility for a troubling issue. And, of course, even the bravest parents worry afterward, although they try not to show it. A child who has been believed in will try to prove that he is worthy of the trust placed in him and worthy of respect.
The Gemara (Bava Metzia, 85a) contains a story that illustrates this beautifully. Rebbi (Yehuda HaNasi) and Rabbi Eliezer, the son of Rabbi Shimon (bar Yochai), were friends. Once, Rebbi came to the village where Rabbi Eliezer had lived (he had already died by then). He asked the villagers, “Does this righteous man have a son?” They answered that he did, but that the son had gone astray and become a libertine. What did he (Rebbi) do? He went to him and “ordained him” (gave him semikhah) as a rabbi. He then sent him to Rabbi Shimon ben Issi ben Lakunya, his mother's brother, to study Torah. Every day, this son would say, “I want to go back to my town” (meaning, to return to my former bad ways). Rabbi Shimon ben Issi would answer him, “You have been made a sage, dressed in a golden cloak (befitting your rank), and people call you ‘Rabbi’—yet you say, ‘I will go back to my town!’” The son then swore that he would abandon such thoughts. In this way he matured, and after becoming a Torah sage, he came to Rebbi's yeshiva. During a lesson, Rebbi heard his voice and said, “This voice sounds like the voice of Rabbi Eliezer, the son of Rabbi Shimon.” They told him that this was his son.
The golden rabbinical cloak placed on Rabbi Eliezer was a mark of respect, an outward sign (adi—an ornament), while wearing which one could not, however, behave inappropriately.
If you raise a child to a certain level of esteem, including in his own eyes, he will not want to fall from it or lose his dignity.
Whenever Rabbi Eliezer's son wanted to return to his former ways, he was reminded that he was now a rabbi, that he was on a different level, and that it was unbecoming for him to behave as he had before. Eventually, he became a Torah sage. After raising a child to a new level of trust (including in our own eyes as parents), we may need to remind him that, in his new position, it is unbecoming for him to behave as he did before. From this perspective, however, the correction will sound like praise and will not humiliate the child.
Consider a girl who knows that candy may be eaten only at certain times (for example, not before bed). Her mother has just returned from a parents' meeting, where the teacher gave her a piece of candy for her daughter. The mother explained to her daughter that she could eat it tomorrow, after school. The daughter knows that this is the rule at home, but despite everything, she could not restrain herself and ate the candy. Even in this negative example, the mother can use encouragement, saying, “You are such a smart girl. When you are told something, you try to do it, to restrain yourself. What you did today was not really like you. You were probably hungry and could not control yourself. If I give you a piece of candy tomorrow, you will try very hard not to eat it before lunch, and I am sure you will succeed.”
Praise Effort, Not Results
A very important principle is to praise effort, the energy invested, rather than the result. Praise should focus less on an exam grade and more on diligence and hard work. You can praise the care with which an assignment was completed and give a more difficult task next time. In this way, you can gradually make the tasks more challenging and, as though climbing a staircase, help the child reach ever greater levels of success.
Suppose the children made an effort and did not quarrel for a full half hour. We praised them, and next time their task will be to avoid quarreling for 40 minutes. We should keep raising the bar a little, but in a way that allows the child to manage the task. Seeing that he is succeeding will enable him to move forward.
Praise should always emphasize potential.
If a child did not study and received 80 out of 100 (and we know that this child can do better when he prepares), how should we react? If we say, “Is that your grade? How disappointing…,” he will lose heart. But we should not say, “What a wonderful grade! A whole 80 points,” either, because if that is enough, the child will lower the bar and stop striving for more. The right way to express our thoughts is, “Of course, 80 is a good grade, but we are sure that next time you will prepare better, make an effort, and get a higher score.”
If a boy finds it difficult to memorize mishnayot, the pace should be increased gradually. First, ask him to learn one mishnah, and be sure to praise the result: “You see, you were able to memorize one, so you will be able to memorize two as well.” Over time, he will come to believe in his own abilities.
I have a son who is four years old. He is learning the letters now and confuses some of them. Saying to him, “Ugh, you got it wrong again!” is a poor approach. He will immediately say, “I don't want to read anymore! I don't want to see these letters! Stop asking me questions. I'm going to play.” But if I say to him, “Oh! You did so wonderfully! You mixed up only two little letters, and got all the others right! Try again. I'm sure that this time you will try very, very hard to remember one letter and not confuse it.” Then add another letter, and another. Each one will be a separate achievement.
A sense of success gives you wings. Here, there are many little successes—one for each letter. With this “fuel,” the child is ready to move forward.
Sometimes, to help older children achieve their first success, we need to promise a gift as an incentive to study. For example, you study for the exam, and we will reward your efforts with… After that first success, we can refer to it as a positive experience: both we and he have seen that he can do it, that he has the ability and diligence.
to be continued
Prepared by Mrs. Zissi Skarzhinskaya