Rebbetzin Leah Gans
Continuing our discussion of “the right hand draws close,” let us talk about something very important in parenting: praise.
Praise can be a powerful parenting tool, essential for reinforcing positive behavior.
By nature, a person is born to be part of society. That is why it is so important for everyone to receive support from those around them. It is very difficult for a person to support and praise himself: “I did it! I managed it! I know how! I am capable of continuing to succeed!” Without support from others, the response we call “feedback,” it is not easy for a person to encourage himself.
Even more than an adult, a child needs recognition of his successes, capabilities, skills, and even his strengths in order to move forward, develop, and confidently tell himself, “I can.” He seeks this, waits for it from his parents, from his teachers, and ultimately even from his friends. This is, essentially, the “fuel” that will enable the child to keep moving forward.
Withhold Praise—to Raise an Arrogant Child?
What should we say about a parent's statement, “I don't want to praise my child; it will make him grow up arrogant”? If we tell a child, “You can do it! You are smart and talented! You will manage and succeed!”—will he become conceited? With honest praise, when the child believes he has earned it and is sure that he deserves our admiration, of course he feels proud of himself! But we know that arrogance is not the finest quality…
There is some confusion between concepts here. If a child is convinced that he achieved success entirely on his own, “My power and the might of my hand have gained me all this wealth” (Devarim, 8:17), then this can lead to arrogance. But if we say, “The Almighty gave you talent and opportunities, and you used them properly,” this does not encourage arrogance.
There is a well-known parable about a man who was given a Torah scroll to hold in the synagogue so that he could return it to the Aron HaKodesh (the cabinet for the scrolls). All the worshippers approached to kiss the scroll in his hands. Would this man begin to think, “Everyone respects me so much and comes over to kiss what I am holding?!” It is perfectly clear to everyone who is being honored in this situation.
The same applies in our case. If we praise and encourage a child, telling him that the Almighty has given him strength, opportunities, intelligence, desire, persistence, perseverance, and other good qualities so that he can advance and improve, the child will feel that he has been entrusted with a deposit that he must safeguard and increase.
The Hebrew word idud—encouragement, praise—shares a root with the word adi, a precious jewel or ornament.
On the one hand, people who own an expensive piece of jewelry want to emphasize it and make it stand out. On the other hand, it is not who they are, not a part of them, but simply something they are wearing. Displaying expensive jewelry is intended to earn respect for its wearer. Similarly, highlighting a child's positive character traits is necessary for his self-respect. By drawing attention to and encouraging a child's positive qualities, abilities, and skills, we show him the positive inner strengths he possesses and thereby encourage him to use them to make further progress. Every child has good qualities that need to be found and developed, and each child's are different.
Several mistakes can arise from using praise incorrectly:
The first case: praise should focus on the area in which we would like the child to improve. The child is genuinely struggling, and we want to find something in him to praise. We have made a great effort and found a positive quality, but… it has nothing to do with the behavior we would like to correct!
For example, a boy has an upcoming exam, but he is already convinced that he will fail: “Why should I study? I have no chance! I don't understand any of the material! I don't have the energy to study! I'll fail anyway!” His parents want to encourage him and find something to praise: “The picture you drew the other day was simply wonderful! If you were able to create such a masterpiece, you must have strength and talent, and you will manage the exam too!” The child is understandably puzzled: what does one have to do with the other?!
In other words, even when we are looking for an example to help a child believe in his abilities, we should say something different: “Remember, a year ago you had an exam too, and you found the strength to sit down and study, and as a result you got a good grade. We are sure that if you put effort and hard work into studying this time as well, you will be able to succeed. If you need us, we will help you.” By reinforcing the same abilities and skills that helped the child then, we will inspire him to achieve new things.
In other words, we should encourage new successes in an activity by drawing on previous successes in the same field.
If, however, the decision is to send the child to an art class, praise for his drawings will be very appropriate.
It is important to emphasize here that we should not always tell a child, “We are sure that you will succeed.” If he does not, he will be even more disappointed in himself. We should say, “We hope that you will succeed.”
Another mistake is praise “by contrast.” We need to be very careful not to hurt a child with this kind of “praise.” “What? You say you can't? But our neighbor—a boy two years younger than you—manages wonderfully! If he can do it, so can you! There is no way you could be unable to do it!” Comparing a child with his brothers or neighbors is a poor, hurtful approach. It not only fails to encourage him, but also upsets him. Instead of opening up and saying, “I can do it; I am capable,” the child will withdraw into himself: “If he is younger than I am and can do it, while I can't, then I won't even try.”
to be continued
Prepared by Mrs. Zissi Skarzhinskaya