Rebbetzin Leah Gans
Initiative …Is Encouraged!
Every child has moments when, on his own initiative, he does something good: plays with and keeps the younger children occupied, washes the floor or the dishes as a surprise…
If Mom says nothing and takes it for granted, the child will most likely not want to help her again—after all, she didn't appreciate it. But if Mom tells a friend on the phone about her child's noble deed, or tells Dad when he comes home (“How patient our Moishe is, and how nicely he played with the little ones today”), the child will want to do the same next time.
Sometimes little children are very persistent in seeking praise. For example, after putting away his toys, a boy receives a helping of praise from Mom. He may then go and scatter them again so he can put them away and receive more praise.
When Positive Attention Is Missing
A lack of positive attention has to be made up for. A child cannot live in a vacuum—it affects his development, as we discussed in the last lesson. If he doesn't receive positive attention, he will seek negative attention. Anything that annoys people: shouting, making noise, bothering other children—anything that will attract negative attention. The child is even willing to be punished. Through his behavior, he is saying, in effect: I cannot be a nobody; I need to be noticed. Bad behavior is a cry for help: “Pay attention to me!”
Often it is precisely the good children who lose out, those who do well at school and play quietly at home—they go unnoticed. And when a good child suddenly starts behaving badly, everyone is surprised. In fact, we need to stop and think: perhaps this child simply hasn't received enough positive attention. If we give him that attention (for example, by noticing and praising him), he will not seek negative attention.
Jewelry to Match One's Deeds
Rabbi Moshe Chaim Schlanger, the mashgiach of Yeshivat Porat Yosef, draws parallels in his book “Ohel Yaakov ve-Leah” between the Almighty's relationship with us and parents' relationship with their children. He writes that in the Land of Israel it was customary to make jewelry for a woman in keeping with her deeds, as Rabbi Akiva did, for example, for his wife Rachel—a headdress called “Yerushalayim shel Zahav” (Jerusalem of Gold). When Rabban Gamliel's wife grew envious of her, her husband said, “Were your deeds like hers?” The rabbi goes on to write that this is akin to praising a child for his deeds. When we praise a child and encourage his good deeds, we achieve two goals. First, we give the child the desire to continue in the same spirit, and second, other children who envy him will want to behave as he does in order to earn the same reward.
Of course, we will not compare children by telling one that he is worthy and the other that he is not, but when we praise one for his diligence and success, the other will want positive attention too.
Thus, we see that praise is a powerful tool.
We can use it to reinforce positive behavior—to identify it, highlight it, and develop it. Praise can also eliminate negative behavior by showing that it is unbecoming of such a bright, good child.
Prepared by Mrs. Zissi Skarzhinskaya