Basya Tsybukmakher
“Hurry up. Help me!” eleven-year-old Chana pleaded with her sister. “Help me find my sandwich. I remember Mom saying yesterday that she had put it in the refrigerator, but I can't find it, and my bus is about to leave!” But Michal, Chana's older sister, had no luck either, even though she tried to find the missing sandwich—the refrigerator was a complete mess, and nothing could be found at all. As the oldest one at home, Michal did everything she could: she moved aside containers of sesame seeds, chocolate chips, and ketchup, and took out a jar of soy sauce and a packet of powdered soup mix. In the process, she spilled some corn kernels and knocked over an open jar of tomato paste. The sandwich was still nowhere to be found, and time was running out. The only solution was to throw a packet of rice crackers, found in the cupboard above the sink, into Chana's backpack, so that Chana could finally dash out of the house and jump onto the school bus at the last minute. Poor Chana! She would have to munch on dry crackers all day instead of enjoying the fresh, delicious, nutritious lunch her mother had prepared with such love.
After lunch, their mother returned from work and was extremely upset to hear about the morning's incident. For several weeks, she had been thinking that it would be a good idea to put the refrigerator in order. But each time she resolutely opened its door to give everything a thorough cleaning, something more important would happen at the other end of the apartment, and she would promise herself not to forget to clean and wash the refrigerator properly—next time. Now, alongside her thoughts that she was a poor homemaker, she felt guilty for not taking good enough care of her children. “Why couldn't I find the time to organize everything in there? Poor Chana, why should she suffer because of my disorganization?”
Dear homemakers, let us admit to ourselves that our refrigerators are far from the only places that are probably in disorder.
It could be any number of things, and some of us continue to carry terrible disorder in our own hearts.
Again and again, we replay an inner dialogue: “Oh, I never went to congratulate Mrs. Cohen on her daughter's wedding, even though she personally handed me an invitation. Of course she was hurt, and I should call her—or better still, visit and apologize. I still haven't called her… Oh, there she is, walking on the other side of the street. How awkward! I'd better duck behind the bus shelter before she sees me… It's silly, of course, but I simply can't bring myself to call and apologize. Besides, I have so much to do today; I'll probably try to take care of it tomorrow.” Yet life shows us that another tomorrow follows that “tomorrow,” and so the situation drags on, while the hurt seems to fade with time…
Proverbs states: “One who tries to conceal his sins will not prosper, but one who acknowledges and corrects his sin will find mercy.”
Trying to hide will not bring success, but if we acknowledge our mistakes and do everything possible to “make a fresh start,” the Almighty will also be merciful to us.
Take Giti, for example, who could not manage to repair her damaged relationship with her sister. Both Giti and her sister believed that the other had had plenty of opportunities to apologize, yet neither found the strength to actually do so. But Giti began studying two daily halachot of shemirat halashon, and gradually came to understand how dangerous the hostility between the sisters had become. She immediately decided to apologize, and it is impossible to describe the wonderful feeling that came over her at that very moment—as though a great weight had been lifted from her heart. Giti herself could no longer understand what had made her wait so long to apologize, since the delay had only intensified her own suffering and her sister's!
Another example is Tzipi, who hurt her teacher when she was a young girl. Years had passed since then, but she had never found the courage to apologize. She reasoned: “The teacher must have forgotten all about it long ago. And even if she hasn't forgotten, she has certainly had enough time to forgive me over all these years. If I approach her now with an apology, I'll only bother her again and waste her time.” The excuses never ended, but at some point it occurred to Tzipi that precisely such justifications are a favorite weapon of the yetzer hara, and she decided to consult a rabbi. The rabbi said that although she had not yet been 12 years old when she caused the hurt, meaning that she was not formally fully responsible for her actions, it would still be very good for her to ask her teacher's forgiveness.
Tzipi mustered the resolve to call her former teacher, and the teacher's response moved her to the depths of her soul! It turned out that the teacher had never forgotten the unpleasant incident, yet she immediately agreed to forgive Tzipi and even added that she was deeply encouraged by her determination! Both ended the conversation with light hearts. Even without the rabbi's advice, Tzipi understood that this had been the only right decision—because she felt as happy as if she had won a million dollars in the lottery!
Let us open the door to our souls and see whether we, too, are carrying this kind of disorder in our hearts.
Perhaps—and most likely—all the hard work of “clearing away” this inner disorder will amount to a single phone call, a letter, or a heart-to-heart conversation over a cup of coffee. In an address to a graduating class, Rabbi Ganz said that the hardest words in the world are “I am sorry” and “Please forgive me.”
The month of Elul is the ideal time to put our “refrigerators” in order.
Everyone has something that requires time and attention. Let us cleanse our hearts, ask forgiveness of those we have hurt, and in turn forgive others and stop carrying the burden of unnecessary grievances. The Almighty will forgive us—measure for measure—and, with G-d's help, we will all merit a year of Complete Redemption!