Rebbetzin Esther Offengenden
One of the fundamental rules of married life states:
| If you have not said it, your husband does not know it. If you have not explained it, he does not understand it. Your hints are as good as silence. |
Naturally, this applies to wives too—
| If you have not said it—this time!—your wife does not know it. If you have not explained it —in detail!!!—she does not understand it. hints = silence. |
While any woman can understand a series of sighs, eye rolls, and phrases along the lines of “well, you know...,” a man will never understand any of this… Today there is a great deal of literature explaining the different languages men and women speak.
“Ten channels of speech descended into the world. Women took nine of them,” say the Jewish Sages.
Men and women have fundamentally different approaches to speech!
A boy asks: - Dad! What is a dialogue? - It is a conversation between two people. - Like when you talk to Mom? - No, that is a monologue. a joke?
Of course, there is plenty of “general advice” about how to talk to your husband. It is indeed important to be clear and precise, and to make sure that it is not only you who are talking to him, but that he is also talking to you. Perhaps he is “somewhere else” entirely right now, and only his mortal body is in this room. If touching him during the conversation or looking him in the eye is possible, it will help ensure that you have his attention.
Nevertheless, the most important thing is to learn your husband’s language!
All the advice in the world, apart from this, can be both wonderful and empty. If you feel that all the books you have read and the recommendations you have learned are logical and demonstrable, but do not work in your particular case, and you keep applying them, then you are trying to play the shepherd from our story.
Notice that the Shepherd knows that he and the Woodcutter speak different languages. The Shepherd has clearly taken courses in interpersonal communication. He smiles and gestures. His communication coach would probably be delighted and give him high marks for creativity and openness. But this particular woodcutter does not understand! In his language, all the shepherd’s gestures mean something else. In the tone with which the shepherd makes a request, the woodcutter hears a demand, and in his words of gratitude, an accusation.
A very unconventional question. When you speak to your husband, whom are you speaking to?
Your mother? A female friend? Your father? Your brother? Some book’s idea of how to talk to a man? Your dreams of the ideal husband?
| A short test. How does your husband hear you best? - When you speak softly or loudly? - When you use short sentences or speak in metaphors? - Which remark will he remember best? One said indifferently “in passing,” one said emotionally, or one said calmly? |
For example, the Book of Kings tells how Abigail persuaded King David to change a decision as serious as a death sentence. She did so with a coin and a leading question. But what if she had tried to approach the king and say outright, “You are wrong. I understand the law better than you do!”?
to be continued