Rebbetzin Leah Gans
Apologizing Does Not Diminish Us in the Eyes of Our Loved Ones
“I hurt him. Humiliated him in front of his friends. He will not forgive me… Maybe I should go and ask his forgiveness after all? No, out of the question. Then he will not respect me at all; he will think I am a doormat. My pride will be worth no more than garlic skins!”
Is a wife who thinks this way right? Will asking forgiveness really make her less valuable to her husband? Quite the opposite! Someone who knows how to ask forgiveness sincerely and admit being wrong only gains respect in the eyes of loved ones—both her husband and her children. This is especially true if we hurt our husband in front of the children. In that case, we should ask forgiveness specifically in the children’s presence. There is no need to make a whole scene of it, but the child should understand that we did not leave the hurt unaddressed, that we know how to admit our mistakes.
We also need to ask a child’s forgiveness if we have hurt him—to set aside our pride and admit that we were wrong. When a child hears his mother apologize to his father or to him, he gains several things at once: he learns to tell the truth—to admit it when he has made a mistake; he learns that peace in the family comes before everything else; and his respect for his mother grows.
Children know when we are right and when we are mistaken. They sense when our shouting is simply an expression of pride. And then they wonder: if Mom acts this way and afterward does not admit she was wrong, that means she either does not know what is right, or she knows but does not do it; either way, how can she think she is raising me properly?!
“I have never seen my parents behave that way!”
“I don’t remember my parents ever asking for forgiveness after an argument. Since they didn’t do it, neither will I. Things will work themselves out somehow.”
It is very difficult to change patterns of behavior ingrained in us since childhood, in our parents’ home. Every home has its strengths and weaknesses. In this case, we need to change the behavior we have been accustomed to since childhood so that our own children develop the right attitude toward admitting when they are wrong.
Unforgiven hurts poison our souls just as poison poisons the body.
Esther Toledano, a marriage counselor from Kiryat Sefer, tells the following story. A woman came to her with a question about her children. Her daughter, a good girl, had been thriving in kindergarten: she had many friends, participated in all the activities, and answered questions about the lesson material. But lately she had withdrawn into herself, was not interacting with anyone, and sat sulking in a corner. Her son, who was of cheder age, had suddenly developed heightened skin sensitivity and needed specialized testing, while another child had developed problems concentrating. They had already prayed at the Kotel for 40 days and sent notes to leading rabbis asking them to pray for them. Yet the problem had still not been resolved, and they did not know what to do. Esther Toledano asked, “Do you want to hear what I have to say? Will you be offended?” The woman replied that, of course, she was ready to do anything for her children: she loved them so much and was prepared to endure anything at all.
Then came the question: “How is your shalom bayit—peace in the home?” “Everything is terrible,” the woman replied. “It was never particularly good, but lately everything is simply falling apart. But what do the children’s problems have to do with my relationship with my husband?” The counselor answered, “Listen to me. Agree with your husband that for 2 weeks you will not quarrel about anything or argue. Keep checking yourselves—restrain yourselves and do not let an argument flare up. In two weeks, come back and tell me how the children are doing.” Less than two weeks passed. The woman called in tears: “I can’t believe my eyes. You have no idea how right you were! We did what you told us. Everything is fine with the children now!”
The children could no longer bear the constant tension and quarrels.
They love their mother and their father. They simply cannot bear the constantly oppressive atmosphere at home, when the home is tottering and about to fall apart. When they saw that their parents had made peace, they became good, problem-free children again. Suddenly, specialized testing was no longer needed, nor was a social worker. Only peace between their parents. Of course, the signs that something is wrong are not always problems this serious, but there is no doubt that the relationship between parents affects their children’s emotional health, and constant clashes and humiliating one another are the worst thing of all. This is tension they do not know how to relieve, and it poisons them like a toxin. Repairing the damage is far more difficult than preventing it.
to be continued
Prepared by Mrs. Zissi Skarzhinskaya