Rebbetzin Leah Gans
What can help us make peace?
First of all, we need to learn to listen to and understand one another. We should not get drawn into escalating tension, but stop ourselves and try to listen closely to what the other person is actually trying to convey. Often, some trigger sets us off in an instant. We need to catch that moment and not let ourselves get "worked up." Try to truly listen to your husband: after all, giving him the chance to speak and be heard (and understood) is also a way of showing him respect. It costs us nothing to hear an opinion that is the polar opposite of our own. If it then turns out that our husband’s opinion is not actually opposed to ours and we simply misunderstood, so much the better. If it really is diametrically opposed, we can look for compromises. In any case, however, the most important thing in any discussion is a free exchange of opinions, free of prejudice and disrespect.
The story of Bat-Sheva and Ephraim illustrates very well what this means.
“Ephraim, get up!” No answer. “Ephraim, get up already, it’s almost time for prayer! Praying on time is very important!” No reaction. “Ephraim, you’ve already been late twice this week!” Complete silence. “I thought you were a talmid chacham, a brilliant student at your yeshiva!” These words were spoken in a tone of despair and disappointment. That finally got Ephraim out of bed. He sprang up, hurt, with an answer ready: “At yeshiva, I had many mashgichim (people who oversee the students’ moral character), but I didn’t think that by getting married I would acquire another one—the strictest of all!”
Wives often become “guardians of moral character” for their husbands:
whether their husband went to prayers, whether he studied today and for how long, how much attention he gives the children—and what kind of attention. We think we are demanding what is right, striving for good deeds—but the result is the opposite of what we were aiming for.
Bat-Sheva thought it over. Indeed, lately these were precisely the kinds of things her husband had been hearing from her: hurtful words that demeaned him. She decided to change her behavior—and the atmosphere at home immediately became lighter and more pleasant, more accepting. Without even noticing it himself, Ephraim began leaving the house on time, cheerful and content.
Sometimes we “go too far” in our desire to set our loved ones on the right path and begin pursuing good goals through harmful means: humiliation and reproaches. Besides being useless, these do a great deal of harm, and the result is the exact opposite of what we want. We can achieve the same thing in wiser, calmer ways, and then our words will be taken to heart.
to be continued
Prepared by Mrs. Zissi Skarzhinskaya